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FEEL LIKE A LADY. DEAL LIKE A MAN: Tips & Secrets on Everything from: Self-Esteem, Friends, Love, Sex, and Men



 Til’ Death Do You Part or Come Undone: Why Maintaining Your Mystery Will Forever Be Important




Men, being the visual species that they are, are twice as “programmed” as we all are naturally, because while on their life hunt to secure the necessaries to provide for himself [and later-perhaps] his Queen, men simply have to program themselves in order to survive (hence everything that I mention in the first few paragraphs at the beginning of the Introduction: Women Can Fake Orgasms But Men Can Fake An Entire Relationship For Years).

Often times, in the game of love, what a man says from his mouth (despite how seemingly from the heart it may be), his instincts, male-hood, and nature RESPOND TO an entirely different thing. They can channel into their inner “Drake” and chime the song right along with him: “Hair-tied, sweatpants, chillin’ with no makeup on. That’s when you’re the prettiest. I hope that you don’t take it wrong.” He can really mean well while meaning exactly what he said.

BUT…his instinct-nature is like a shallow little devil sitting on his shoulder with an entirely different opinion and force.

Men have a very present and demonstrative instinct-nature that often times does not play well with what comes from their mouth (even in the name of love).

It is for that very same reason that in all of love’s gambles, a woman can lose:

  • Her mystery to a man
  • His desire for her
  • His lust for her                                                                          …although he can be in a real, true, and mutually respectable relationship + still have tremendous admiration and love for her. I guess that would be called “interest” in her, because the fact still remains, he can still be present but without desire, and lust. His being present and with her can strictly be because of his interest in her, which in fact, can remain forever-‘til death do they part (with the absence of mystery, desire, and lust).



I almost forget, an endearing (true story) to share-a rarity that I would be remised if I didn’t tell you (which should also help you understand what I was talking about back in the Introduction, and Gems #1 and 2 where I mention a man’s interest in you/your world is what makes him want to proclaim/profess his love for you, as opposed to all the other Jokers and other numbers). 

A few years ago, I had a friend who, at one time, was feeling “adventurous” (and wanted to try something different): she and another friend of hers had gotten into the whole Internet dating culture. My friend would tell me funny dating stories of how things would go with her. (She too, like me, was student of psych/behavioral sciences but in addition that, she was a student of the social sciences-so this kind of this was big fun to her-analyzing it all, while sincerely searching for love). For many months and Sundays, she and I would dissect all her dating stories and she would come to me for advice to see if my advice would match the decision she made to do/not do [whatever]. In addition, she would run scenarios by my mother (who we considered to be a “neutral-natural”)…then she and I would have lunch weekly and combine all these opinions to see what we could come up with. 

If they would be exciting or odd, occasionally, my friend would run something (general) past me about the guys her friend would date, but after some time, I noticed that she had stop running those stories by me. Typically I won’t follow up with a friend about another friend, but my curiosity had totally gotten the best of me. So one day I took a leap of faith and asked my friend (about her friend): “Hey, so what about your girlfriend, did she ever find the right guy yet?” My friend yelled into the phone: “GIRL! Meet me at Applebee’s RIGHT NOW! This story is CRrrrrrAZY!”  

We met, got a table, and started going at it.

She told me that her girlfriend had gone from online talking to one guy in particular, to eventually talking on the telephone. (All this was right before Skype, but I don’t recall my friend telling me the two of them ever talked/saw one another on video cam either).

At any rate. 

Some months into getting to know one another over the phone, the guy drove to the city so that they could officially meet (he knew some people in town and would be in the city for about a week, so they made plans to hang out and do whatever-for the week).


As much as he liked her, he was disappointed and blatantly told her she was too “fat” for him, and his whole anticipation of this official moment was dampened. I don’t remember what, if any, details my friend gave me about their “week,” but if my memory serves me correctly, I don’t think he stayed the whole week (as planned)… 

After he left, things changed, he had gone on about his way, and she-hers.

(And for the record according to my friend, her friend’s personality is such that, although she was very hurt and lil’ was taken aback by it, she thought it was pretty funny). 

At any rate, one day (out the clear blue sky) the guy called her up and told her that he had been having long talks with himself about his decision and wanted to know if she would consider picking up where they left off. He said that he liked her so much that he was willing to put his shallowness aside to try and get past it all. I do recall that he was impressed with the fact that she had “a world” …and in addition to that, he liked everything about her up until he saw that she was “fat,” but he kicked that little devil off his shoulder and kept it moving with the girl! (Awesome!...He’s a keeper-that is a rarity in men, and for the record, no, it was not one of those deals where some kind was preying on the low self-esteem of a vulnerable fat girl, to my understanding, she was not “that” kind of “fat” girl)… 

Long story short…he liked her enough that they began courting back and forth from the 200-mile distance to the point where he began making plans with her on building a life (together/with her). Eventually he moved to the city, they got a house, bought other property, began renting out to tenants, started a small business, and he just…starting making this things happen with this girl (like men DO when they feel they’ve found their Queen and can finally exhale)…

According to my friend, he really loves her-so much so that my friend said they were two peas in a pod to an “annoying” fault... 

Well, the last time I checked, the two of them were still doing well (and her friend is still “fat”) but so what…he loves her, and did what a man does when he really wants a woman: PROFESS, and BUILD with you: 50-50. There are millions of skinny women all over the world who would kill for a beautiful love story and a man like this. 

In every sense of the word, what an exceptional happily ever after this is.

So (like I explained in the Introduction, and Gems #1 and 2) don’t ever underestimate the power of the importance of having “a world” of your own. It is that “something” that (can) interest him, which in turn (can) make him interested in you aside from the other Jokers, other numbers (and surprisingly-it can withstand lust and desire). It’s a very important factor.



On the backhand side of “interest only” is that other thing-that “programming” of men. 

As women, when we are in love and in a mutually respected relationship, we tend to try and honor many of the things that our man says he wants or thinks is sexy and beautiful. When he fathers our children, we-like him (and usually at his request), will allow him to watch and witness the entire birthing process and grant him the privilege and the gift of cutting the chord of our new extension and seed of life. As well, many of us become so bosom-buddy close with our man that he’s like a best friend to us. When it gets to that point, we don’t mind letting our hair down (or sitting it on the dresser or nightstand). We don’t mind allowing him to see us looking rough because we are already confident with the fact that we are beautiful and special to him. 

Well, while all that may very well be true, if I had to give you a visual of what a man’s “instinct-nature” looks like, it would be something like this:

Have you ever watched a movie (or seen in person) a little boy, teen, or man stop in their tracks to admire a beautiful puppy, car, or woman-where their jaw drops, their eyes light up and all goes in slow motion?  Well as silly as that sounds, whether that literally happened when that man stepped to meet you or not, trust that it did happen in his mind (especially if he approached you)… 

But the funny thing about a man’s “programming” is that when the two of you begin to relationship/get to know one another, and get close; together, you both decide to remove all those (seemingly) “silly little things” that jump-started the relationship and took a lot of time and upkeep maintaining. Men are very good at bringing these things to the table first (most of the times-sincerely-in an effort to prove his true love for you). 

While all that may sound good “on paper” you had better pay attention to that “gray” area (that even HE doesn’t understand)… 

Despite what they say, men are attracted to the completed package. Their INSTINCT-NATURE does not like to be bothered with the “details” of what it takes to complete the package. When a man sees a beautiful woman, his mind doesn’t dissect all that it took to make her look beautiful that day. All his mind (and that shallow little devil on his shoulder) cares about is what’s in front of his face-right here, right now. Men’s fantasies are about the shiny red package with the satin, shiny, curly ribbon. They do not care about the bubble wrap, newspaper shredding, and dull cardboard inside of a box…(wrapped with that red shiny satin and shiny, curly ribbon)... 

If you wish to KEEP the: desire, AND lust of your man, then you have to keep many of your “beauty secrets” and processes in that box…MAINTAIN that “mystery” and all that you were doing that got him-in order to keep him…(despite what his mouth says).

…“Said I’d like to know where you got the notion? Don’t rock the boat. Don’t rock the boat baby. Don’t tip the boat over”…it’s more than just a line in a song…It is your lifeline (or anchor) of his desire for you. 

Don’t do away with: mystery, desire, and lust being a matter of importance. Get rid of the tired trite notion that: lust and desire are for superficial relationships and that: “We are past that stage” verbiage…YOU might be…because as women-we settle, accept, and nurture (when we love a man). But men are designed a little differently in that department. They survive, and seek to exhale. And once they do, they constantly “need oxygen” in order to keep exhaling (if you know what I mean). So with that being said, you can’t get over comfortable and completely cut off his supply…You can keep thinking that ole’: “We are past that stage” concept if you’d like to, but to keep being demonstrative in feeling that is a good way for him to get past you (in the desire and lust department-although he may still love you, be interested in you, and still be with you).

Sure-desire, lust, and mystery are not proof of “love” anymore than a lion would desire a pig, however, they are the ingredients of interest and passion; no less necessary for the love in a relationship than it was that same thing that sparked it from the beginning. Either way (just the same), and as oxymoron as this may seem: It is as “foolish” to think that desire, lust, and mystery is proof of “love” as it is to think that desire, lust, and mystery is not what keeps it together: happily (rather than out of routine and habit).

Either way, you can’t cancel out one, or the other. For companionship, one OR the other is essential. It’s all up to YOU whether or not YOU are okay with a solid relationship built on his burning interest, respect and love for you, OR if you are okay with a solid relationship built on his burning interest, respect, love, (and as well) his desire and lust for you (too). 

If all that information comes at a surprise to you, and you're wondering if you are in that boat: rocking it or having already rocked it…all is not lost. Sure, you may have showed your hand, and lay it all on the table, but at any time you wish to, you are free to pick it up, shuffle it, and deal it all over again. You mustn’t forget an important lesson that I kept reiterating in Gem #3: When a man respects/has love for a woman, or has found/decided on his Queen, anything is reversible. Where women are concerned, men are VERY programmed, but just like a remote control, they are easily de/re-programmable (again: when they have love for/respect a woman). 

No matter how programmed men are in their thinking where women are concerned, they will easily obey and cooperate with a woman they love and respect-from one extreme (in life matters) all the way over to the other extreme (in love matters).

If another woman makes an attempt to correct a man’s negative views of women in general or disallows him to discuss women in a negative light, he will cooperate and obey her command.

As well, in a relationship with a man, whenever you make the decision (and effort) to put forth more of your “shiny red package with the satin, shiny, curly ribbon,” and less brazen with your “bubble wrap, newspaper shredding, and dull cardboard…” he will forget all about the “bubble wrap, newspaper shredding, and dull cardboard” in an instant. It’s like a new step in the relationship, and him wondering why all of a sudden you made a change like that (almost like wondering if there is another man involved), yet, little will he know, you are merely re-gifting yourself for him.

When a man is already interested in you, loves, and respects you; he can (and will) desire and lust you all over again if you make the effort…and have at least a little bit of mystery about yourself (like you did in the beginning-when you got him)…

Never forget the fact that as long as you do not blow his Oedipus-like complex of a fantasy (as explained in Gem #5-by submitting and giving him things that he did not earn, too much-too soon), he will grow to love and respect you. A man will be very obedient and cooperative with a woman that he loves and respects at anytime, anywhere, and at any stage of relationship.  

When we women become involved in a mutually respected and established relationship with men, we get our wires crossed with that word: “relationship” and we start canceling out the word and one thing that keeps us happy, doting, wives and girlfriends and keeps them happy doting, satisfied, husbands and boyfriends: “companionship.”

Although “relationship” is important, (as, two people have to “relate” in order to relationship) but because men and women are wired and programmed differently, relationship is not necessarily the glue that holds it together THAT KEEPS US AND OUR MAN HAPPY…companionship does that-relationship just holds it together (but not necessarily happily).    

As a woman,