I didn’t speak to anyone. I just walked to the back of the room to rest my head but spoke to all those who spoke to me. Janet walked in and took a seat. She was her passive aggressive personality today, the one that I can admit-I was a little afraid of. That one was tough to get past. This time, she wasn’t “Stormy1”…she was stormy but chose to be the calm before it, by call herself: “MissSecretive,”…that was the name she chose to use today. She did not speak to me. Instead, she quieted her buddies down to ask them a question: “Hey, Hey.You think maybe I can get some help? Does anybody in here know the song “Go Deep” by Janet? I can’t quite understand what she is saying at the end of the song-she adlibs something about missing her CALLing, ...she capitalized the “call” in calling.

She asked twice, and by this time I was in a conversation with someone else, but Janet kept staring at me-rolling her eyes, as she repeated the question to everybody while still looking over at me.

I looked at her and responded: “Well, I think Janet has the lyrics to her songs in the jacket of the CD, perhaps you could look there and see.”

She stood up and placed her index finger to my forehead and said: “Don’t you think Iiiii know that! I SAID she ADLIBS the line I was asking about, and I don’t believe ADLIBS are written in the jacket of the CD!” she emphasized by capitalizing every word she wished to spew with venom, making it clear that sheeee (of all people) should know-since it was her song, her lyrics (and her adlibs).

I took a deep breath and sighed.

She then said: “Oh, I know what it is y’all. It’s: “I’m gonna miss my calling, I’m gonna miss my calling...”

I took a look at the name she was hiding behind: “MissSecretive,” and knew that it (as well as her comment) had something to do with me. I knew that she must’ve heard me transfer my calls to my cell phone or I either missed my calling (from her) when she had someone call so that I could runaway with her on this vacay. But after patting the tapped line down, they must’ve discovered the calls were being transferred: “somewhere”—to a phone number they knew nothing about.

I posted: “The number is for you.”

She took a deep breath and gave me her half-smile.

“It is,” I said. Then the nickname: “Angelindisguise” rolled down.

“I’m never incognito,” I responded (but knowing that she was talking about the song: “Angel in Disguise” by Brandy-probably something Shawnette had her listen to many-a nights where she and I was concerned in this tug-o-war with Janet, trying to prove to Janet that I was no good for her).

Everyone just looked at Janet and me, waiting on the fight. Instead, Janet dropped down alter ego: “Qbenlyric2”-the same name we were using way back when the Xcapade plans were made (and canceled). I think she was more hurt than she wanted to fight-they just didn’t know. Janet was intense:

“So what’s up Cinamon?” she asked.

“Nothing, what’s up how are you?” I asked.

“Well, I’m not feeling that great. I’m a little lonely. That’s all,” she said.

“Well, why is that?” I asked.

“Well…I’m here…I’m here…In New York…and I’m missing my woman,” she said.

“Well, don’t you think she misses you too,” I asked.

“I don’t know, she was supposed to be here with me and I just don’t know. I want

to talk to her. I miss her so badly,” she yearned.

“Well, I’m sure she wants to talk to you and misses you too. Don’t you think so?” I

asked again.

“I’m about to go, I’m missing my woman right now cause she should be here with ME”! she yelled.

“I’m gonna leave now,” she responded. She was a combination of upset + disappointed+ hurt at the same time. She sure as hell didn’t want to fight.

I wanted to give her a hug. I really didn’t know what to say because I thought she knew I was serious that day that I told her (“Qbenlyric2”) that I had canceled the reservations.

I remembered now how the entire month of April, May and June, people kept going through the room asking who was all going to Xcapade. I never said a word, and I assumed she knew that I really wasn’t coming. I mean, I had been through so much with this woman over those past three months, I couldn’t tell if we would even be mad at one another around that the time Xcapade was planned, so I pretty much felt safer saying “no” altogether-until I either saw some consistency and most importantly, until she asked me again personally-from behind her red-tape and many masks.

I was very sad that day. I felt even worse that she was sad. She felt so broken down. I can’t lie, that broke my heart. I felt sooooo fuckingggg badddd, I didn’t know what to do or say but what I did know is that nothing I could say this day would soothe her. She couldn’t bare the thought of talking to me that day anymore. She was acting as if she had been sitting around the house doing a big bunch of nothing but waiting for my call or a knock at the door from her friends who would have met up with me and brought me to her. I felt bad because I knew then, that the trip wasn’t a big “Janet room shin dig,” it was a setup orchestrated just for me and her. Had I known that, I most certainly would have followed up with her more closely.

My transferred calls to my new cell phone was just bad timing (little did she know).

The mood of the room was kind of blasé. Everybody felt bad for her-so bad that nobody fought me. It was just…sad-a sad day. She seemed unbelievably stressed and clueless as to what she could (covertly, and through her red-tape) do next to get me to her.

From my CD Rom while sitting in my comfortable black Futon chair, I was listening to “There U Go” by Johnny Gill off the “Boomerang” soundtrack over and over…

July 5th, I came in-early afternoon. This day was kind of fun. We were playing around as if we were at Janet’s New York apartment on top of the roof in the swimming pool…where we would have been, I guess.

“Come on Cinamon, let’s go over to Janet’s house,” said her buddies.

I guess since Janet didn’t get to take me on an escapade, she figured she’d bring the escapade to me. I thought that was soooo cute as I told myself: “This girl is serious and intense and means business when she means business…”

“JigglinJanine” says to me: “Cinamon, will you come over here and drop your cherry into my ice tea?”

I just laughed and shook my head at this crazy maniac nasty girl. She had to make her presence known by saying something sexual to let me know what nicks she hid behind. She was something else.

We barbequed, drank, ate and went swimming. Lissa was running around making fun of people, talking about somebody was trying to outshine Janet with the swimsuit she had on. She was always poking fun at Janet (mainly). That girl always made her way around with her silly sense of humor.

She said to me: “Cinamon is it okay if we let Janet join our party or no?”

I turned to Lissa and said: “*in a kid’s voice* I don’t knowwwww Lissa ‘cause her hair’s longer than ourrrrrsss.”

We all started cracking up laughing, and Janet wouldn’t come back out to play.

I kept begging her to come out and she said she didn’t want to. I hoped she knew that I was playing about the comment I made, but I forgot how she took anything I said so seriously. I hushed and waited.