Aug 9 (3 days ago)

A. AUGUST 12, 2014

Hello Anonymous.

In an effort to maintain your anonymity, I’m going to refer to you as “Anonymous” rather than using your first name since you found me another place as well.

I just wanted to say hello, and let you know that I appreciate your patience in waiting for my reply over the past couple days. (I do honor my “within 3-day turnaround” on these Ask Angie’s).

At any rate.

You said something soooo poignant (and important) in your email to me that before I even go in to answering your questions, I would be remised if I didn’t highlight [it]:

You said that that your detective and investigative skills on your husband were so good that you decided to take classes on private investigating.

Kudos for you! Because rather than placing your energy and focus on investigating his comings, goings, and where he’s on his way too’s (and through snooping) you discovered you have the skill above the average snoop; do something with that—like you’re considering doing………………for other people [if that’s what they choose to pay for and want to know about their significant others via that route].

Another reason why it’s good that you considered making something of your skill (versus snooping on him) is because, although from the tone of your email, it almost seems “fun” to you at this point-your knowing all the deets about who and what he did [and is going to hookup with next], the fact of the matter is, it’ll still chip at you and your self esteem-a little bit at a time, everyday.

Anonymous, from reading your letter, sounds like you read the excerpt (Gem #21 The Secret To Him Not Cheating On You & Making it Last Happily Ever After) …my RPC (Reverse Psychology Cheating) method thoroughly! You go girl!

That being said (and per your situation) how you can work the technique in and make it work out for you (as per your letter to me) is……you (Anonymous) should find a way to “suppose” to him [that you suspect he is cheating], without letting him know for a fact that you actually know. And like I explain in my RPC method: be “one of the guys” with him [to get him to open up about his sexcapades with other women].

Oh.

Regarding that:

Ok Anonymous.

First name: Frank

Last name: Honest

May I be both of ‘em?

Thanks.

Ok.

As a woman myself, learned something in my study, experience, and observation of men something that we (as women) MUST get through our heads:

MEN ARE NOT MECHANICAL WIRED FOR MONOGAMY: PHYSICALLY or MENTALLY (only emotionally—whenever they are reached emotionally and decide to respond to a woman with emotion well over just physical).

For a woman OR man (and especially for a man) monogamy is not a given-it's a decision. 

Know this about a man: A man’s decision to give in to his emotions for a woman and give them [back] to her, like monogamy—is just that: A DECISION.

Men DECIDE on those things. Women FALL into those things.

That being said, know and keep it in your head that men just aren’t naturally wired for monogamy-they just aren’t…they have to decide that is what that want to do [be monogamous].

No, that doesn’t mean you have to accept his not being built for monogamy…but it does mean that in order for you to maintain a healthy and close relationship him, you are going to have to know how to play his ‘game’ (for lack of a better word).

Men are mechanical.

Women are wired.

Sounds almost like the same difference but it’s not.

With a man, it’s like a tune up for a car: Some men need a “refresher course” on what it is they do (when away from their partners). Some of ‘em need a “tune up” in the form of the question being proposed:

• “Are we a team? Is this (you and me) about “us” or just-you?
• Well, if it is about “us” is what you are doing when away from us beneficial for the team, or is it just good to you-for that time being?
• And how did it serve/work for the team?

Obviously, a woman should know her position and where she stands with a man in that, those aren’t the kind of questions you ask a man that you’re just dating or sleeping with and because you cooked him a few good meals and he has a pair of shoes under her bed and a t-shirt he left over that we through in the laundry that means were on to something.

It’s like I mention in Gem #17 the “Men, Money and their Emotions” chapter, once a man decides he wants to “build” with a woman (in that he begins to place irreplaceable responsibilities upon himself and the woman-that makes it harder to walk out on the relationship—“big ticket” type of moves that really solidify commitment, then the “team” forms.

But every now and again (some men more than others), even in committed relationships through to marriages, men still have to have that reminder and “fine-tuning” pep-talk brought to them (however you-the woman-decide to word what I explained in the bullet points).

And like I explain in detail in my RPC method, once you’ve had that (above-bulleted) conversation (hopefully non-confrontational), be his “homie” Ask him to have some fun with you one night. Let him know that all that he shares with you is fair game. No fighting.

From 18 to 80, men love to “locker room gallant” about their exploits, nights, and prowess.

Toughen up. Let him give you his locker-room gallantry like he would with his “homies” (friends). Like I mention in the RPC method chapter, whether it be during sex, or whether you use it as personal emotional and mental foreplay to feast on it first and then allow him to finish telling you during sex, the magic in it is this: The more you make him comfortable about these “reveals” you slowly begin to put out the fire in his secrets. (And like I mention in the RPC chapter), it’s the secrecy that holds the fire-not necessarily the acts done behind the woman’s back.

REMEMBER: Don't nag him out of his secret(s) he'll be agitated by you. Don't snoop and fight his secret(s) out of him-he'll rebel and resent you. Share them (like I explained it in my RPC method). That way, with that methodology, you steal away with his secret(s). 

Enough of this methodology with him, he will grow bored of cheating because while doing (or preparing to) his mind will replay these sessions with you and just gets all icky!.

His “cheating” doesn’t feel like a “secret anymore and well…viola-you got your man back lady!

REMEMBER: The "sexy" is in the secrecy. Steal the secret(s) and get your "sexy" back--in your own home!

Thank you. Good Luck. And Good Love ♥

Angela Sherice

A. 5.17.2013

Hi Kirsten!

Thank you for taking the time out to read my excerpts and inquiring!

And thank you for inquiring [about the book I am writing]:

FEEL LIKE A LADY. DEAL LIKE A MAN: Tips & Secrets on Everything from: Self-Esteem, Friends, Love, Sex, and Men

--Gem #21 in particular: The Secret to Him Not Cheating on You & Making it Last Happily Ever After.

With regards to your question.

You stated: “I’m in need of a starting place,” [about how to get him to talk about his lusts and desires].

Let me be frank with you with regard to men, women, lust, and desire: Regardless of how astute, educated, conservative (or any other positive or non-sexual redeeming quality he may have), lust and desire ishis “starting place” (in his mind-before even approaching or getting to know a woman).

Lust and desire is a man’s “love at first sight.” Because realistically, he cannot look right at you and love your mind, intellect (or whatever redeeming qualities you may possess), but he can, and will place that on his “things to do and find out later” after his moment of “love at first sight” (that instantaneous lust and desire phase at first glance, meeting, and “hello”).

Not all men meet women and are ready to jump their bones and hit the sack. Most evolved men who’ve “been there-done that,” prefer to take their time to get to know a woman (before revealing, and being demonstrative about his “lusts and desires”). There are still men like such kind out there and your guy may be one such gentleman.

However, I will say this.

If a man is not attracted to a woman (intimately), it will be like pulling teeth to get him to be in any way revealing of his lusts and desires. Such a man can (and will) take a woman to bed, but opening up about his lust and desires is an altogether different thing.

For a woman, in order to be able to gauge [and get] those things, you have to know-for sure-of his attraction to you. Initially, you can pretty much gauge that in the amount of quality/alone time he initiatesspending with you, the way he looks at you and the way he’ll touch, and handle you (in not just his words-but his “way”).

I’m not going to spend a lot of time giving details specifically about those things, but all women know when a man is truly attracted to her (and when he is not).

But once you’re past that reality and you know he’s all there; getting him to spill and reveal is simple.

If you’ve already made it to second base (had actual intercourse), and you’re [back at] trying to get him to spill and reveal-you may have a problem.

But if you haven’t made it to second base, and you’re trying to get him to spill and reveal-you just may have a gentleman [on your hands]. But still (depending on how close/intimate/personal) the two of you are or have been; when it comes to a man-if he’s attracted to you, he’s going to give that up-in some way or another.

P.S-Don’t underestimate the power of intimate phone conversations, texting, and non-sex intimacy altogether.

Check out my book (out already called): Doing It! Mind-Blowing Sex Tips You Will Never Forget (The Fine Art of Intimate Sex). It’s not just about sex, it’s about intimacy too--and how to give and receive it-even without having actual intercourse.

That book can (and will) offer you tons of answers to the questions you have about how to get him to share his lusts and desires.

In closing I’ll be honest and say (reiterate) this.

The bottom line is: Where men are concerned (about sharing their lusts and desires with women), it all boils down to his level of personal intimacy with that woman-it’s not just a “thing.”

A man taking a woman to bed is just a “thing” (over his sharing his lusts and desires).

Hope that helped Kirsten.

Via the same way you found me: my contact form as listed at the bottom right of my website, feel free to write if you have other questions.

Thank you. Good Luck. And Good Love ♥

Angela Sherice

A.  5.19.13

For starters Kirsten, no, you’re not bothering me.

I set this method of communication up for my supporters and readers because (as a writer) you can only reach so many situations in the contents of a book. As I observe people; I learn that many people are in search of specific answers to their specific questions--they need those things answered first before they can relax and start having your writer rhetoric, advice, and suggestions shooting at them a mile-a-page. And too, (versus “social networks”) I find this method to be a bit more personal and less pretentious-so your reaching out to me here is all good with me. You and your questions + my answers and suggestions help everybody, so it’s a win-win (for everybody). Here, I can be thorough-no impersonal pretentiousness whatsoever, and with you (and my readers') full understanding that like in my books; I do not write like tip-toeing around my readers to be “safe” and from behind buffers to simply gather a crowd and hold your attention via pacification solely to be “liked” but rather-from behind relative truth, sincerity, suggestion and point of view that I would use (for my very own self) and offer to my very best friend. 

Having said that, after reading this 5.18.13 inquiry-and considering your first (5.16.13) inquiry; let me preface what I am about to say by giving you a visual:Have you ever lit a match (a book of matches-like the kind you fold back, place the match on the wood strip, cover the match and then strike! ...you pull the fire stick from between the cover-and viola!-you have a fire)?

Well, three main (and very important) things we women need to know about a man (throughout this reply, you'll be referring back to these numbers):

1). You have to light his fire. [Just like back on my 5.17.13 reply-when I explained “lust and desire” being a man’s “love at first sight”]; that strike of the matchbook is a great visual for explaining “lust and desire” and “love at first sight.” That fire is that spark from a man that sets the foundation of his attraction (lust, and desire) for a woman. From that, woman can take a man anywhere she wants him and from that point, it really can grow. But at any time, that fire can be snuffed out-and typically-believe, accept it, or not [if it’s not because the woman left him]; if he left, or flaked up on her; it’s usually the woman’s fault. Why? Because outside of that lust and desire/love at first sight “need,” there were other things needed to sustain him and she didn’t, or was not able to execute those things going forward.  

2). He has to want you, not need you. Generally speaking and most typically, a man has to want to be with you (in order to “want” you). If a man is with you because he needs you, he will always be in search of what he “wants,” and that doesn’t necessarily mean him being in search of better physical beauty; it could also be that he is in search of something more substantial and solid too (emotionally, mentally, intellectually, interpersonally-a more solid partner he can really see himself with for a long time or lifetime). 

BUT and BECAUSE … (this next one is always the 8-ball in the corner pocket, so read it carefully):  

3). You have to “trap” him. And what I mean by trap him is that gone-are the tired, trifling and trite days of trapping men with emotional blackmail, babies, physical beauty, good sex etc. Men are getting smarter and harder (in those regards). A woman who is with a man (where the abovementioned numbers 1 and 2 are issues not in her favor), she had better be “trapping” him with a “life business plan”-something she is doing herself-to better herself in her life. Because men (evolved men) are just as turned on by physical beauty/good sex etc., as they are by “building” things to have things-solid things: material +  relationship (when he’s evolved). A man who can see building something with a woman (and even better when):

  - he can see she is doing it for herself and is including him

  - she is useful to him and able to help him with his with whatever it is he does

  - if he sees that because of what she’s doing even opposite what he does, it still has the potential of building an “empire of a relationship”-large or small

…that man is more apt to be with/stay with that woman as if number 1 and 2 aren’t even factors within the relationship, because lust and desire and a man having to “want” you is just one side of men. This (number 3) is an example of the evolved men-they are out there, and I would never write a book or offer suggestions to a woman without acknowledging that they still exist. That being said (with regard to this number 3), please refer to Gem19, the section called: “In The Interest of Interest: Don’t Underestimate the Power of a Man’s ‘Interest’ In You.” Go on and click and read it right now-it’s not that long. In that section, I mention an endearing situation (true story) about a guy who, in his eyes, heart or mind; the girl he was getting to know and dating was not numbers 1 and 2-but something miraculous happened…(as explained in that Gem 19 section I just had you click on). 

At any rate, (regarding this number 3) women have to keep this in mind: An evolved man (although he may not be devoid of numbers 1 and 2) is kind of like the equivalent of a “gold-digger” woman. They want stability, too (and I’m not talking about a man who has nothing and uses you-I’m talking about the man that is working towards/has something himself, but wants a woman to match or be able to do something with him-to grow/build with her).

So although the number 3 type of man is still a man who thrives on number 1 and 2, and although numbers 1 and 2 isn’t all that sustains an evolved man; if you hit the jackpot with him and cornered him off at this number 3; it would behoove you to dig deep into my RPC (Reverse Psychology Cheating) method that I write extensively about in Gems  20 and 21 (because you’re gonna need it. He’s still a man: flesh, has his own thoughts, and can still move his body to do whatever he set up in his mind to do). The woman in you needs to find a way to corner his desires (like in numbers 1 and 2-abovementioned). So read Gems 20 and 21 to find out just how.  

To answer some more of your inquiry (regarding your guys’ cheating in the past), I do not get into flat cliché’s like: “once a cheater always a cheater,” because everybody’s person and situation is always unique. Rather than blanket statements like that, I offer suggestions and points, then I let you find your own situation in the suggestion + take a pick from the points and decide for yourself-no matter how strong and to the point, I stay true to all that I suggest and point out (so you have to be true to your self and decide). When I write books like: FEEL LIKE A LADY. DEAL LIKE A MAN Tips & Secrets on Everything from: Self-Esteem, Friends, Love, Sex, and Men, the reason I began the book like I did with Gems 1-8, is because those first eight chapters are specifically about women working themselves. Because until you can handle what I suggest and point out in there, you won’t be able to handle Gems 9-19, therefore, Gems 20-21 would be inconceivable in thought to you (much less-trying those unusual sexual and intimate exercises with your man).    

Having said all that; let me suggest and point these things out (about your 5.18.13 inquiry).

If a man who is in a committed or live-in relationship:

 - texts

 - has other emotional relationships

    or

 - other non-sexual goings on

   …just like single a man who may text, have emotional relationships, or non-sexual relations just the same; both are in search of something they:

 - do not have

 - are not getting

    but

 - definitely want (or feel they need)

…the single man, or the man in a relationship having those kinds of goings on are the same (in that regard).  There is no other “excuse” or way around dressing those facts up. 

Men are often times more emotional than women (but in areas that affect their manhood-how they feel about themselves and their presentation to the world and women in general).

In their lifetime (committed or single); their ego will have been shattered a thousand times (and several times daily)-be it a look, an ignoring, a conversation gone wrong etc., They are sort of conditioned to “replace” those type of swipes and auto-rejections. So committed or single, they just may say or do things like “text[ing] a girl he met at a bar [with] no intention of pursuing it,” because (again) they are in search of something they do not have, are not getting, want, or feel they need, therefore, they definitely (text, have emotional relationships, and other non-sexual goings on] for one or two reasons:

A). a man feels emasculated, not “in control” in his relationship in that he may not feel valued, desired, and most of all-respected as a man

    or

B). a man is indeed in search of something with someone knew and therefore, is interested in moving from that spark of a matchbook moment he may have felt (with that other woman). 

Because truthfully, and I have to be frank with you. Men will indeed pass time with a woman for years at a time even-all the while being in search of his mind and heart’s “ideal”

(Read this link for a better explanation as to why and how).

I will reiterate--the bottom line is the fact that when a man does something not right, or not good for their committed relationship; they are in search of something they do not have, are not getting, want, or feel they need. The question is only the woman such as yourself can answer (considering you know the dynamics of your own relationship and situation), is whether the reason is because of A or B. In being true to yourself, you have to take your pick.

As far as the blank stare his friend gave you (and the response that pretty much confirmed for you that he was cheating), I wouldn’t be so concerned about that-his possible cheating (again), as I would be concerned about finding out that he texted some girl he met and the fact that he said from his mouth: “it just felt good to have someone interested [in him] other than [you]” because (in regard to the relationship and a woman loving + wanting to keep her man) taking his intent, mind, and/or heart elsewhere, can be much bigger an issue than where he took his body because: 

-either A) or B) is the reason why

   and regardless his age:

-number 1) and/or 2) is enough to hold his interest (for however long), but if through getting to know another woman through texting or other non-sexual emotional affairs, he discovers number 3) about her-that could be just the ticket that makes a man do much more than “step out” of a committed relationship (hence why I stress the importance for any woman being very concerned with what I said in number 3).

When any woman is in a relationship by which the foundation has nothing to build on, it is much easier for that man to step out on it, step on and crush the relationship altogether. 

If you like/love a man (and you can truthfully say to yourself-without force-that he likes/loves/wants you) + he is taking up all the time that your mind, heart, and body allows (that you are willing giving him); then handle your functions WITH him: "wife-like," not like "a girlfriend," because he will treat you like a GIRL who's a FRIEND.

The reality is, if you’re already DOING, like “I do;” then BE, by exhibiting: “I am.”

If the love and feelings are mutual; you can't lose doing, being, and exhibiting that.

In closing, I’ll say this.

Even with the information you’ve given me in your 5.16.2013 + your 5.18.13 inquiry, I still do not know if (to him) you were that 1, 2, and/or 3 in his life, and too-with what you’ve given me, I still cannot say if A or B is his reason (only you know the dynamics of your own situation). 

But what I can confidently say is, regardless, I feel that what I explain in Gems 20 and 21 are near bulletproof remedies in salvaging any relationship by which the passion and willingness to communicate is still there-despite any circumstance had, or going on within the relationship-(past or present).  

And too Kirsten, in this answer back to your inquiry, I listed all remedies and solutions that I feel are useful (and specific to what you’ve given me to work with). While reading my reply, hopefully you clicked all links, read, and considered them all.

With sincere hopes they will be of use to you, my best. 

Thank you. Good Luck and Good Love  ♥

Angela Sherice  

A. 5.25.2013

Hi Demetria.

LoL. Whoa.

On a couple of areas on my site, I make mention that when I write books, blogs, essays etc.; (although I do free write/creative-write from imagination) as well, I write from experience, or observation-that’s real—I do. My slogan atop his page: (Erotic | Introspective | Reflective | Self-Efficacious | Metaphysical Literature ) ...is not a gimmick. Even when I write a story of fiction/drama, regardless the plot or storyline; I always build them and build on them around real life scenarios I observed (or experienced to some degree or another).

I appreciate your wanting “the realness” (that was funny when I read it). I can understand that because with an audience of people looking on (or following you closely), I too (when observing people speaking/posting) often wonder if their suggestions, advice, or commentary is coming from personal experience, close observation, from a vivid imagination, what they wish were true, or just--what “should be.” 

Even if I create/conjure up a scene or situation from my mind, it won’t go in a book until tried or tested--down to the psychology or the philosophy, the art or the science. As I writer, you’ll conjure up and create a lot in fiction, but if it hasn’t been at bare minimum-tried and tested (if not experienced or observed as true/having happened), then I believe it’ll come off unbelievable-no matter how well you bring the story together. I don’t believe it in “out there” pivotal moments in writing (or in suggestions given to anyone or posting “out there” kinds of things for which I know nothing about (just to have an audience or sound important) for the record, Demetria. 

I’ll tell you this.

When I started this segment on my site, I knew that I would have to be a little more open (as a “person”) than answering my readers as an “author” (hence why it took a while for me to get this section started-because I was actually going to do it over a year ago).

But still, there is a divide-a line that since (to the world who doesn’t know me personally, I am a writer/author); I am selective about being “open” to my interest and point being able to specifically direct you (a reader/supporter/person who doesn’t know me personally) to some area of a book/s that I’ve written, and share with you from there.  

If I answer a question back and I haven’t experienced it; I will be honest by prefacing what I suggest by stating that I haven’t, but I will indeed offer you what I would do should I ever be faced with such [or said thing]. 

That being said, yes, I’ve experienced heartbreak-who hasn’t?

(I know you already played that response out in your mind but let me say this). 

As general the feeling of heartbreak is, there are several different kinds of heartbreak ranging from domestic to romantic (all which we all handle differently):

A. family/friend heartbreak 

B.  loss of life of a family/friend/love(r) heartbreak

  and: 

C. love & relationship heartbreak

 which has one of three sides:

1.      love/(r) caused your heartbreak  

2.      you caused the heartbreak  

3.      due to circumstances and situations; both parties’ hearts got broken

…To answer your question (and hopefully be in your “realness” good graces J ), I’ve experienced all three at all stages of my life while evolving as a woman.

According to your inquiry, it sounds like your issue is (C.)-the love and relationship heartbreak although (from reading it) I was not able to determine if 1, 2, or 3 applied to you. 

Let me say this.

When people are dealing with heartbreak, I think it’s very insensitive for advice to be given (whether it be from someone they know personally or some random acquaintance), to suggest they just “get over it,” (whatever choice of words used to say just that thing).  

I believe that love and relationship heartbreak should be given the same respect and consideration that we would give when trying to help someone through heartbreak of loss of life. 

Psychologically speaking (for all human beings), any person or thing that comes into your life that you acquaint yourself with for any period of time-if it leaves or is lost, consciously or subconsciously, our psyche goes through a grieving process of some kind (to varying degrees). 

As human beings, because we have a natural hierarchy need to belong, and physiological need for love, sex, and affection; obviously with a person (rather than a thing/object) if they leave our life/part ways (whether it be for reason 1, 2, or 3); we will grieve harder [than over a thing/object].  

Since I do not know which of the three applies to you I’ll answer all three:

1-      Love/(r) Caused Your Heartbreak

The main thing that causes heartbreak is this: Palpations. Planning. Pace.

It’s this simple:

When our heart begins palpitating for someone, our mind begins to plan out how things are going to be, should be and/or how we intend for things to be-both ways (our part and from our love/(r). And when that love/(r) doesn’t adhere to, respond to, or completely deviates from our plan; they’ve thwarted the pace in which we have already hoped, or wished for (and in our minds-planned for)-therefore, those palpitations turn to heartbreak.

My suggestion is this:

If the love/(r) was too, in on + reciprocated the planning, pace and palpations then unexpectedly (or explained to you) why he/she deviated from everything, and the bottom line was—they want out, let them out. Grieve alone. Allow yourself as much time as you need to do it, however (safe and healthy) and wherever you wish to, and press the pause button on anyone who will not lend you and ear and their empathy and understanding past telling you to “get over it” and “move on.” Whatever it is you need to do or whomever you need to talk (or vent to) for however long to get through this; do not seek to lay these feelings on/share with/beg/bargain/emotionally blackmail or bother the love/(r) who “caused your heartbreak” (unexpectedly or by explaining to you he/she wanted out).

Deal with it any way you have to-but make a clean break away.

Dealing with it this way is healthier because you allow yourself the freedom to cry (cleanse) alone, or with someone who is willing to help you make the clean break [away]. 

Unfortunately, and as much as we would like to believe that “love conquers all” and there’s no shame, pride, etc., where there is “love;” that is only reserved for love where there is a mutual understanding and like/reciprocation of it. You lose all pride and shame ONLY for someone who is, and would do it for you.

Because opposite that, love was conquered, therefore all becomes in “war.”

Reciprocate and give love where love is wanted and received. Digress where love is rejected, and not received. Period.

*And to keep myself in your “realness” good-graces J yes, I’ve experienced that this kind of heartbreak—especially in my teen, and young adult (21-26) years. When I began to evolve, and make sense of my situations at hand; I simply decided that I would rather deal with the hurt alone or with the empathetic shoulder of friends who cared about me, than to hang on to the leg of a love/(r) who showed me better than he could tell me, that I the relationship was being held up and made so-by my effort but at his convenience. And when I saw it as that (as was), I refused to give of myself to those person’s anymore. And I moved on. And guess what? When I evolved, each one of them came back to me-practically, and on bended knee. Not because I’m so “beautiful,” but because I gave it my best and too, I never lost my “mystery” and my self to either one of them. And although they knew and loved me (to the extent that they could at the time); they never did “get finished” knowing me. Things from my personal past, and my own issues (then), disallowed me to be certain “ways” with them and too, I’ve always had other friends or family members with situations that I saw as “cautionary tales” about how giving up too much to some man who’s not my husband—how it can backfire, emotionally bankrupt, or even damage you. So with that, I’ve always kept some of “me” on reserve-no matter how fluid I seemed (for continuity of the relationship). But if you want to keep up with how I loosely base these same kinds of examples and drama/life scenarios in the form of a journey life drama (book), you can keep up with my “Angie Situation” series I’m writing.  

2-      You Caused Your Heartbreak

This one is pretty simple.

My suggestion is this:

If something you did or said broke someone’s heart to the point (and because the love/(r) left you and as a result, you are grieving as if they broke your heart; then by all means-lose all pride and shame and do whatever it takes to win them back (I’d say). I can only give a generalization to this one without knowing exactly what was done or said (and the dynamics of the relationship).

If you have already, or happen to come across the title in a chapter of another book of mine (Gem 13) where the title reads: “Mr. Wrong,” Men, and their Ego. The Mystery About a Man: Why You Have To Break His Heart”, do know that this is headline-grabbing title by which (although the title blatantly says to do just that), the explanation goes a bit beyond that.  

But, generally speaking-if you caused the heartbreak and it returned results that ended up breaking yours too-then yes—do all that you have to do to try and work it out.

But if you caused the heartbreak simply because you wanted out and didn’t effectively express yourself, then (if you believe in it or no) any karma due you would be between you and the God of Karma I guess.

*And to keep myself in your “realness” good-graces J yes, I’ve “caused someone’s heartbreak” in my unevolved days where the capacity to effectively communicate was non-existent (teen years) or young adult years (21-26) I had the capacity to but chose not to out of revenge, anger, or being shiesty or whatever, I’d say that I was forced to face other situations that very well could be karma (or natural life happenings) that broke me in ways that perhaps, I did the same emotional damage to someone else once upon a time in life.

                 3        - Due to Circumstances and Situations; Both Parties’ Hearts Got Broken

This one is pretty complicated-almost like some unrequited love or Romeo and Juliette situation. And these situations can vary whether it be two people who were unfaithful to other partners and both fell in love but couldn’t be together, or distances too far put them in a situation as such, or (like Romeo and Juliette); cultural or family rivalry put them in a situation—all kinds of other personal, occupational, or domestic situations [can result in both parties having broken hearts and the situation having divided them both].

Offering a suggestion to something like this would totally depend on the dynamics of the situation and I can only offer a suggestion to one by which I’ve experienced [where the situation broke both of our hearts and drew a wedge between the relationship] that could have been wonderful, but both of us were the blame for several things that happened that caused both of us to act and react that eventually-the situation got bigger than the both of us. But because of our circumstances, it divided us-which then left us with facing each other with what was or never was (was it real-what we had). Well, turns out, it was real; because the other party made sure we both were in the clear that the situation divided us (somewhat) but we were still “us.” After a while, a situation like that became emotionally confusing to me and I couldn’t determine if the attentiveness and their ways of showing me that “no mountain was high enough” was a way to keep me around and from moving on. After a while, I wasn’t able to, and I completely shut down because every “mountain” was climbed and own by the other party yet I got the molehill end of the deal in that the other party pretty much had me cornered: partially, from the upset and hurt emotions they felt but at the same time, felt like punishment to me. So it messed me up for a good stretch of time. And I cried every day-even in spurts (in the daytimes, while driving or hell—walking out of a grocery store). I was a mess at one point.

I would recommend a clean break: an agreement to both leave with broken hearts (if the situation or circumstance is bigger than the “love” or “relationship” could obviously withstand).

To do anything other than that is to put your life on hold for years. And if the “love” and the “relationship” were indeed able to withstand the turbulence, then it would indeed conquer the circumstance or situation-without question or confusion.

But how long do you wait on that-to see? That is the question. 

Whether it be amongst friends, or in a relationship (where too much has happened to try and build on), sometimes when it comes to forgiveness or heartbreak [and even with the best of intentions] it can often times be too much, or too little, or too late and therefore, becomes best to do away with it all. And hopefully what could have been-was enough to show each party where they went right or wrong, and they can take that lesson with them and show them what not to do (wrong) with the next friendship or love/(r)—to put them back in the same predicament.

All that being said, that’s the best way I can answer that example because again, I would need to know if the situation had personal, occupational, or domestic dynamics that caused the situation to be as it [is, or may be].

*Again, hopefully I kept myself in your “realness” good-graces J and too, answered your question in this reply somewhere. 

Even without enough to work with—in knowing the exact dynamics (whether [C.]: your love and relation heartbreak was because of 1, 2, or 3); I feel confident that you will find yourself and the solution in here somewhere and too, we both helped somewhere else in the world in here for sure, right?  

Thank you Demetria.

Good Luck. Good Love♥

(And be well).

Angela Sherice

A. 5.26.2013

Hello Lisa.

Thank you for your inquiry.

Let me start by saying the very first thing that came to my mind as I was reading your inquiry-all the way through to the very end of it: The dynamics of your relationship is one to envy if for nothing else, this one thing for sure: You both are “single” (single in that although the two of you are engaged, you both have no kids between you two). That eliminates what can sometimes be those typical outside stressors: exes that a couple can never really just ‘X’ out of their relationship-also known as “baby daddys” or “baby mamas.” 

Other plusses I found redeeming about your relationship (that you two had in common) was the fact that you were both college educated, both had great jobs, and very important thing that you should consider a valuable thing—the fact that the relationship was taken from one level to the next: you got engaged.

I must admit, I did hear the sound of a scratched record at the point where (in so many words) you mentioned when you guys got engaged, it was so much excitement. You practically made it to the alter the next day, and then all of a sudden you look up—and this engagement bliss turned into being engaged + living together where now the excitement of riding off into the sunset of married bliss is being replaced by turmoil where the premise and conclusion is revolving around his stating your being insecure is ruining/has ruined everything (and sounds to me like the only thing that’s pretty much giving him second thoughts). 

Lisa, when a man says these words: “You’re insecure” or “You are too insecure.”

Do you really want to know what he’s saying?

(I’m going to give it to you strong so that it will send a jolt to you so that you can really feel it—and him): “You are fighting with invisibilities, things unseen, and having not happened—bringing it to my face, putting it in my ears, and [or] bringing it into my household, and with it-fucking up my peace of mind. As a result of that (although I love you), it makes me not “want” you, or want to commit myself to marrying and spending my life with somebody like you. How could I, when at every moment in time that I can, I actively think about, seek, and look forward to not hanging around you any more than I have to simply because you are insecure. It colors this whole relationship and it’s bleaching and pushing me the hell out.” 

We women don’t realize the importance of being whole before we combine and commit ourselves to another half of another person. When we do combine and commit ourselves to another person without being “whole,” all of our own personal unfinished business turn into insecurities that we bring over into our relationships [and too, we don’t acknowledge as the baggage that it really is].

What is this unfinished business?

Let me explain it like this-so you can feel me. 

We live in a right-brained (“concrete”) society where structure, and an order of things is set up to lead us, and teach us to move on to one thing, then into the other thing, and then into the next (as we grow and evolve). We can’t move on into these things and onto other things until we get the lesson from the thing before it—and then we reach that “top of the pyramid” (so to speak).

Let’s start with LIFE (this is the sure-thing/for sure/inevitable order):

-You are born.

-You get your “social security” number.

-You develop and grow by first learning that you have a body.

-You then become aware of your body.

-You then become aware that an emotion that you express will illicit a reaction/response.

-You then get to be as child-like and free-spirited as you naturally will be until around age five. After that, you have grown enough and developed such that you understand correction and now being taught by your parents (or the outside world) that some things you do, or say can, and will be frowned upon. So then your whole natural self is suppressed (in order to join the world matrix).

-The life show is now on. 

Now, we are at the point of life to prepare you for the WORLD (in this “supposed” order):

-The bureaucracy of school: to teach you order, that there is a time for everything (especially Monday through Friday at certain times of the days. Teachers will remind you, or bells will ring to remind you).

-Preschool through grade twelve (instruction and tools for them are given or loaned to you).

-College (no more bells or teachers hand guiding you. At this point, you are responsible for getting yourself up and to class on time and doing your own Monday-Friday thing by your own maverick and as well, you are responsible to pay for instruction and the tools by which you will be instructed).

-Job or Career (pay your monthly bills).

-Marriage (by this time, you are expected to be a fully capable and responsible adult).

-Children.

-Big house on the hill, two dogs that go: “woof woof.” 

...in the “world” game, when we jump the track (off that order of things) something happens in our lives happen: it gets thwarted in directions that cause challenge in our lives-sometimes stressful, other times we get back on track somewhere in there later times in our lives, or we deviate from that plan and do other unconventional and impractical things to make a life or living for ourselves (sometimes it works out, other times it doesn’t, and the rest of us turn that into a hustle and way a life throughout all our lives—until). 

The same thing happens when we jump the track commit ourselves into relationships by which we had unfinished business ourselves: things crash or go haywire. We tangle ourselves in wires that we have to go through life untangling because we didn’t plug in to the source (first) before the transference of energy began-so we end up back and forth trying to get a surge (from someone else’s power-to get life from it-in order to power up).  

Unfinished business is important (personally) because we really need to fully understand ourselves in order to find out what we are all about (alone, single, singular, as an individual). That helps us learn what interests us, and helps us find out what we’re skilled or good at, that too-leads us into being inspired, which then makes us ambitious—gives us something to look forward to, or work toward; giving us self-worth (be it a dream, a job, or a career). 

That applies to both men and women.  

But as women (unlike men), we have a different kind of issue that (the only “pride” we have about it-is addressing it)-and it’s one that, although men may feel it towards one another; being demonstrative in expressing it is something their pride typically will not let them do as wantonly, openly, and brazenly as women will amongst one another (hence, why men do NOT have the same insecurities as we women do, and why they have such a hard time understanding where our insecurities are coming from when we bring it to them!) It’s a silent evil that gets into our soul, into our spirits, and then we bring it to our man and into our homes-and he has NOTHING to do with it. 

This thing is called "Enmity:" unspoken enmity without ever having so much as having spoken one word to that other woman that somewhere inside us, we tell our soul that she is an enemy-even at a glance, in passing, or no association with her at all.

You know who she is: that girl at the checkout counter, that girl that just passed by you all scantly clad in dress, that girl on your Facebook or Twitter that you stalk daily and sit at your computer screen screaming at who’s done nothing to you-the one who doesn’t even know exist yet, you swear you hate that bitch don’t you? You hate her so much that you programmed your gadgets to let you know when she’s online just so you can take a moment out of your day to spew some venom her way to make yourself feel better.

It’s that girl on your first day of your exercise class who, on her way in, just watched you be “Miss Personality” in your big grandiose display of saying hello to the guy preparing for class but when she walks toward you with a jovial and friendly ‘hello,’ you cut your eyes and barely, if at all, return the sentiment.

It’s this girl, that girl, and every girl (who you don’t know). 

Yet, you have lots of great girlfriends and a close circle of “positive,” “Godly,” “spiritual,” “successful,” and “well-adjusted” friends-so you’re not (consciously) insecure with the rest of the girls in the world who you don’t know, yet (impulsively) that scantily clad dressed girl, the girl from online, the girl from your new exercise class, or the girl who just walked by you earned your scorn because why? Oh. She deserved it huh? 

You’re “attractive” but too, you’re probably one of those girls out here who has it all together right?:

-You’re “spiritual”

-You’re “Godly”

-You’re “positive”

-You’re “successful”

-You’re “happy”

-You’re “well-adjusted”

-You have “a great relationship with your man”

-You have “great friends,”

-You have “a great job,”

-You have a “great and awesome social life,”

…too huh? 

Check out that list girl. You’re just all put together huh? 

Well I’m going to break it down you like this. 

When you talk about the part in your email “I haven’t caught him cheating, but I seriously suspect it,” [sic] I suspect that the scantily clad dressed girl, the girl from online, the girl from your new exercise class, or the girl who just walked by you is probably those same types of girls who you “strongly suspect” he’s probably out there cheating with huh? 

I am going to reiterate something to you that I mentioned earlier in this reply: 

Lisa, when a man says these words: “You’re too insecure.”

He is saying: “You are fighting with invisibilities, things unseen, and having not happened—bringing it to my face, putting it in my ears, and [or] bringing it into my household, and with it-fucking up my peace of mind. As a result of that (although I love you), it makes me not “want” you, or want to commit myself to marrying and spending my life with somebody like you. How could I, when at every moment in time that I can, I actively think about, seek, and look forward to not hanging around you any more than I have to simply because you are insecure. It colors this whole relationship and it’s bleaching and pushing me the hell out.” 

Let me give you an example (for example):

You talk and texted with him all day at work 8-4 p.m.

He gets off work, and at 4:30 p.m. decides to get a table at the after hours with the fellas for a couple of drinks/bite to eat.

They leave at 5:30, they then decide to burn it all off by hitting the gym and playing a little basketball from 5:45 to 7:30 p.m. (during which time, he left his cell phone in the car to charge).

After the gym, he returns to his car and a cell phone with texts on fire-on his way back home to you—on fire as well: ready to fight with him about [that scantily clad dressed girl, the girl from online, the girl from your new exercise class, or the girl who just walked by you] who you “seriously suspect” he was out with.

“Insecurity” is his having to fight with you about goings on in your head and in your soul that has nothing to do with him even after his giving you the play-by-play of his day from 8-4, then 4:30-5:30, then 5:45-7:30 and then home to you.

Female insecurity is a language that men not only are not apart of, but simply cannot understand. And you’re certainly not going to say to him: “I know you were out with that scantily clad dressed girl, or that girl from online that I hate, or that girl from my new exercise class, or the girl who just walked by me today!”

…You’d sound crazy saying that wouldn’t you?

…Well, that’s just about how crazy you look fighting him with that in your subconscious, from that collection of self-inflicted pain and enmity that you told your soul, put in your spirit, and dumped off on him and bring into your own household. 

From what I read in your inquiry Lisa, you have a good relationship and certainly, an enviable set of circumstances in which such a wonderful sleuth of “firsts” can begin.

The two of you seem to have a lot in common, and from I can tell-he must really want you, because you two have no other ties that bind you but what you have between you: each other. 

Also, according to what I gathered (from reading your inquiry), he’s doing well for himself and can pick up and leave you at any time (if he didn’t love you/want to be with you). And if you don’t stop acting on the “I seriously suspect he is cheating” ritual that you [are most probably doing-the one that’s making him call you insecure and “nagadocious” too, is probably the reason why a fast engagement nearly headed for the alter is now on ice] you are probably going to lose him-for your insecurities alone. That’s soooooooooooo annoying to men. A woman’s insecurity (especially if he hasn’t given her solid proof or reasons to bring them to him + if he taking care of/doing right by her, the relationship, or the household) is a major turn off on top of anything else.

Female insecurity (where you’re fighting him with invisibilities, things unseen and having not happened, then bringing them to his face, ears, and into the relationship) is an interruption to his peace of mind. It’s an interruption of peace right up there with having being cheated on. Anything else outside of those two things, men will hang in there with the woman he truly loves. 

As far as these “strong suspicions” and insecurities are concerned, you have to know that enmity with women that share this world with you [who you do not know personally and therefore-all in your head] is an unhealthy kink in your spirit and true female character (away from all that outwardly may seem so positive about your well-adjusted, successful, spiritual/Godly and happy self with the great social life, great relationship, great friends). 

Don’t only trick yourself into “magic” but ignore reality. 

Rituals of speaking great things into existence, thinking positive, and the “I don’t want to hear or be around any negativity” today etc., should extend further and much deeper than the material, good, or majestic energies you want for yourself.

Don’t stop there and refuse to check your very own impulses, subconscious and things that you may act on (even if harbored in the privacy of your own head and your own heart). 

Just like you would be so quick to adhere to rituals of things you want for, and around you; don’t ignore making for yourself, rituals to rid yourself of things that go on inside of you too (that cause insecurity)-those have to be dealt with first (remember—there is an order of things in LIFE and in this WORLD and too, there is an order of things for yourself…

No matter what, he who has the emotion should be the first to extend, amend, expend, or suspend.

The self-ritual is simple (for all “insecure” women-who men refer to as such): 

Stop seeing other women who you focus on as imagined enemies as if somehow the other side of the world [of the ones that you don’t see-that your man does see-in his view] are going to disappear into oblivion. Instead of suspending that silly, ridiculous, useless energy chipping at your soul and spirit; spend it by replacing that energy into a respectful head nod, a pleasant hello, gentle smile, and positive thoughts about what you’re focusing on and screaming at the screen about. Since you obviously enjoy it/her in that you tend to it or her daily, make for yourself-a ritual that what it is you really envy or see as enmity; like magic, learn to see it as a pleasantry and be done with it. 

Do all those things and you’ll learn to keep moving (and spend your energy healthily).

As you get in the habit of doing them, you stop seeing other women (who you yourself selectively hone in on, or in passing) as enemies and instead; respect the fact that they have just as much a right to exist and breathe as you yourself do. 

Because I don’t care what happens, what is going on around you, or what is happening for you, or no matter how spiritual, Godly, positive, successful, happy, well-adjusted, you seem, and I don’t care how much of [an otherwise] great relationship you have with your man, or how many great friends, awesome social life, or what a great job you have; how is that you think you’re really going to win if you’re not right within? I’m not talking about that scantily clad dressed girl, the girl from online, the girl from your new exercise class, or the girl who just walked by you (all whom you don’t even know), I’m talking about you—the one you do know? 

Don’t ruin [what seems to me] is an otherwise good and enviable relationship by a mere saying “hi” to a woman in passing while with your man can turn into a knock-down drag-out two week brawl in which he’s so emotionally blackmailed that the mere sight of a co-worker seeing you two out together and her saying “hello” to him could leave him standing there breathless and stuck like a deer in headlights and afraid to speak back because he’s got to deal with your insecurities-and he’s “man down” for two months.

When a man is made to feel like that in his household (or around his woman in the relationship), he doesn’t want to really be around you (no matter how much he loves you). 

Loving a woman is one thing, men (can, will, and do) survive for years on that.

But in order for a man to have to really and truly want you, he has to like being a friend with you (not to you-but with you)—that’s why (otherwise, or most often times) men are most comfortable (and with) their friends.

Remember, there is an order of things.

A man has to:

-be attracted to you

-like you

-love you

..but wanting you is an altogether different thing that requires him wanting to hang around you-other than that, he’s just earning his keep i.e.–coming home every night, paying for, or going half on the bills, half on the babies, and making love you: That’s just the rituals of relationship. 

Don’t let the silliness of traditional relationship talk where the woman (who, because she cooks, clean, washes clothes and makes love to her man) makes for one happy man and home. No, she is merely earningher keep (in that regard). Don’t get it twisted. 

You’ll be surprised at how many [seemingly “happy” homes] are really surviving on relationship rituals-both the man and the woman “earning their keeps,” but sometimes, needing more than “earning keep” is why a man will cheat. 

Lisa, the key to a truly (not seemingly) happy home is happy man after he’s earned it-SUBMIT TO THAT! Not a man just earning his keep, but a man who wants to hang around you. He can only want to hang around you if you too, are indeed “earning your keep” + (and equally as important) giving him peace of mind……………….by hanging up your insecurities. Let that man love you. Stop interrupting his peace of mind by fighting mind phantoms-looking for stuff that isn’t even there that too, is making him not even want to be there. 

When we really wants to hang around you-that is when that man is “kept” because that is when he feels like a whole respected king. 

As a king goes, so goes his world (if you truly want a happy home). 

If that king is not (truly and really) “kept” he “goes” …as much as he can be go far-far away from you and the household but returns daily to earn his keep. 

But if that king is truly and really “kept” …then (willingly + automatically) hanging around you and in his household is where he stays.

Lisa. It already seems like you have good love. But don't lose it over something silly.

Finish getting Lisa's unfinished business together in order to give that man the peace of mind that he is earning (and seemingly) deserves.

Good Luck.♥

Angela Sherice

A. 6.6.2013

HA! Tara! You go girl!

For a minute, I’m going to a jump the gun and tell you in advance what the end of my reply is going to all boil down to by quoting a very poignant part of your inquiry.

Your stating: “How I look and what I do is not a game. It wasn’t a dress rehearsal or something I was doing just to meet a man, it’s a part of who I am whether he likes it or not” …is EVERYTHING, my diamond. That is everything! 

That doesn't get me out of answering your question though, so let me explain.

I am a woman, and before I really starting loving myself like I’m supposed to, and really getting into myself and attracting the type of men who knew, loved and respect that; I went through a lot of awkward phases and some unique experiences for a while that brought me to some realizations about a lot of things in dealing with men and life that in the end, helped me to be the seasoned woman that I am when it comes to my love life, life, and my men-no matter the terrain. Once you’re “there” (seasoned) it’s like riding a bike: you’ll always know how to ride (survive) on that. 

I loosely based a fiction story of just some of those experiences in my “Angie Situation” series. So, if you are reader/supporter of mine and you like fiction drama biographical; be sure to check the series out. 

At any rate, I LOVE to hear, talk to, and listen to a woman be able to feel how she feels BUT be able to give me something to work with to let me know that even beyond her emotions (or hurt); she has it in her to get beyond what she’s going through based on the fact that she has some foundation of strength and sensibilities despite how we all sometimes take our slips and falls when it comes to love (no matterhow seasoned we become). So your statement: “How I look and what I do is not a game. It wasn’t a dress rehearsal or something I was doing just to meet a man, it’s a part of who I am whether he likes it or not” …says more than you think it did (or give yourself credit for). We’ll get back to that. 

But let me say something to you really quick about my thought process before I lay on you what I’m about to lay on you regarding answering your question. 

Because I feel that rather than just throwing out an answer to you and hitting you with my point of view, I insist on explaining where I’m coming from (hence why I like this “Ask Angie” part of connecting with my readers. And too, in my nonfiction books-in the Introduction and the very beginnings of all of them; I am very thorough about where I am coming from to better explain why I am the “authority” about whatI wrote and authored  about in that book of those pages that they are turning). 

Whether they voice it or not, all readers-reading nonfiction or how to’s (etc) especially about relationship/sex etc. want to know: “Who do you think you are and how can you speak on this?” I’ve found (and experienced) that unless it is presented to them from behind a religious or spiritual buffer (female readers especially) have that question-where other women/female nonfiction writers are concerned about such subjects. And because I am straight-forward, young, youthful, and ‘natural’; I find myself having to explain myself a little more than what’s “typical.” You know what I mean?... 

When it comes to: 

-sex

-love

-life

-relationship (especially with men)

…I am a VERY ‘natural’ girl. It’s like second nature for me to refer back to answering to my own questions (for my own life) based upon how much it relates to the natural order of things in direct correlation with nature [or physics: action/reaction, what goes up/comes down, put out/put in etc.] 

Having said that, I don’t force my “spiritual concepts” onto you because it sounds “spiritually sound,” or “light-footed.”

I don’t use (for myself) concepts that fit a new what’s happening-to fit any kind of new thought concept that is not “natural”--just to sound politically correct, or save face to pacify you to garner your attention to be “liked” (while neglecting to be truly truthful and deny “nature” in the process). 

I’m sorry, I don’t believe in that-that’s not how I personally think, feel (or put out to my nonfiction readers/supporters).

Like for instance, some new concepts/new thought thinkers/teachers will say: “We are born happy,” or “happy is our natural state” (or whatever)…

I don’t disrespect or fight with nature because I’m trying to sell you “me” or my new “thought/process.” So for me, nobody can just tell me something (no matter how “light-footed,” “sound” and “positive,” it may seem) and expect me to believe that when I have a whole natural concept of life (or the laws of physics) that tells me otherwise. 

Why is it we are not “born to be happy?” I’ll tell you why. 

We are happy in the womb. There is a “heaven” and a mystique going on inside there [the womb] for a whole nine months that we will never be able to talk about and explain (any more than the dead will be able to tell come back and tell us what “heaven” or “hell” is like when they leave). 

But one thing is for certain and two for sure; when we are pulled from that womb—we (as the religious say) are born into “sin,” but generally speaking (and in simple comparison to that), when we are born, we are exposed and shocked in such a way that immediately interrupts our “heaven” and peace of mind. 

So Tara, what happens when we exit the womb?

We scream, holler, kick, and cry like a banshee!

“What the hell just happened here!” …is all a baby knows.

So we are not “born happy,” in this lifetime, we find our happiness (or “hell”), and we make our “heaven” or “hell as we grow through every single day and every stage of life. Even startled babies pulled from the womb begin to know that-as they are cared for. And as we grow and interact (and react); we learn what to do and what not to do in order to care for ourselves and others (while giving heaven or hell, or being in receipt of heaven or hell). Somewhere in that (in life), is where we have the daily daunting or delightful task of creating, finding, or making or our “happy,” because we are not born with it as a birthright any more than we are born in to (at birth). 

So you understand my “natural,” now?

I won’t sell or tell you some off the wall spiritual or light-footed concept and new thought that we are born happy or that it is our birthright to be when [everything I just explained to you] says different. It’s not even my opinion-NATURE SAYS SO. And from birth to being an adult, you, me, and every single living person experienced every single one of those “heaven” and “hell” experiences and lost and found our happiness time and time again, right? It’s the cycle of LIFE called “Life.”  

For example (hypothetically speaking) Tara, just because a new invention is being sold where there is a lamp that you can plug into the wall and place over your plants without having to water them, feed them, and give them air and sunlight anymore, doesn’t mean that nature is going to go away because something “new” to nurture nature is available sold on the market to you. 

In my opinion Tara, that is a visual of how we human beings are being fed information nowadays. And nature is being denied. That’s why people can’t get it right. It’s like the equivalent of “Global Warming”-where human beings/scientists are testing and tampering with the natural order of nature in an attempt to warm the globe to a certain climate all year round. In the middle of this arrogance, we (on earth) have to deal with sinkholes, hurricanes, tornadoes, twisters, tsunami’s etc. –out the wazoo. 

The same things happen (amongst each other-human beings).

Just like the result of Global Warming, we have (humans) have “Temperament Clashing” when we try and deny nature and what just is (all because somebody who decided they were smart and who could offer us an ideal-began selling us a new thought/theory/concept that makes us feel good for the moment so they can keep our attention, attendance, loyalty, and money). 

As a result of this (going against what’s natural) we have these clashes-going through unnecessary cycles of life and think it’s “living” and life “happening.” Not all the time. If we simply respect nature (what’s natural), we have all our answers-RIGHT THERE! Sometimes those answers feel awesome, and sometimes they are painful and make us feel bad as hell. THAT’S the sign that we have work to do-a life mission; something calling out to us to grow through it!--not to run from it (or go buy a new lamp being sold on the market)… 

Tara, are we here now? *takes my index + middle finger and bounces it back and forth from my eyes to your eyes* …‘cause I’m working you to my “big bang” reply to your question…  

Nature canNOT be denied. That lamp will blow out (and although you can buy another one and another one and another one); air, sunlight, and water will still be here and always needed to feed those plants to blossom and grow. So keep your feet planted firmly on this earth and this ground you are down here walking on because while here, your “heaven” or your “hell,” is up to you… 

Consider yourself a flower-needing to grow. And in order to TRULY grow [through, over, or past a person, thing or situation], you can’t be fed artificial information simply because the masses accept it and it’s on sale, or because it sounds “positive,” or “spiritually sound”—and stop right there because you’re too coward to go through the pressure to perfect your diamond or through the fire to Phoenix.

Nah. 

Imagine the trauma a startled helpless baby feels being pulled from nine months of “heaven” into the hell of a world that he/she (too) has to grow through in order to find their bliss, happy or joy. 

Everything good for you to help you grow is not going to BE “positive” and “comfortable” for you. The only comfort in truth is dictated by nature-so get comfortable with respecting nature. It's not going to excuse your grown self from having to submit to it, if it'll uproot a helpless baby from the womb to get out here and get some of this life!

Nature doesn’t give a damn about the fact that-that baby is about to be interrupted, all she (natures) knows is: “This is not a sit-in. You have been here nine months and it’s time to go and grow. Get out!” Oh how cruel, huh?!

But babies and children (0-5/6 years old), are closer to nature than we (grown) adults are. That’s why they adapt to change better and can grasp a full understanding of nature and physics (action/reaction). They understand and learn through how they act being something that will elicit a reaction to pacify, (or through growing) learns-punishes them. We adults spend more years going through life adapting to each other, our environment, ideologies, and personal ideals that we buy them, subscribe to them and take them on as “natural” because we are no longer “innocent” like babies and children are therefore, we tend to disrespect and disregard nature (unlike them). 

We have to answer for that. 

Nature sometimes seem “cruel” because it’s not going to pacify us-we have a life mission and work to do in order to find “us”: who we are, what, and where we are destined to be, or we just live by default, or design—(in life or love). 

So in the sum of my “natural” lesson and explanation, always ask yourself how “natural” (close to nature) is what you’re being fed-because nature and the laws of physics is Universal Law. You must obey it. So (excuse my French): I don’t give a damn what’s being sold, or how many masses are buying it, no matter how much it hurts me, seems “negative” or it’s too hard to me to deal with or accept; if it matches nature and physics, then (like the daily daunting or delightful task of creating, finding, or making my “happy”) with joy, I am going to be in search of it. Not just to be pacified and sold something at the moment that eventually will not work or will stop working-only for nature and what’s natural to keep sticking me with a fork saying: “You’d better come get fed what’s right or keep getting left behind bliss and real life (and true ‘living’).”  

So listen closely to what I have to say about your inquiry:  

My first reply is something I don’t even have to belabor because you already articulated it clearly in your inquiry: He’s your “boyfriend,” not your husband. So, in the “Book of Angie,” technically, you are both single, but in a consistent/monogamous relationship dress rehearsal (if you live apart) or (if you live together) are in consistent/monogamous dress rehearsal for marriage. But even before the “stage is set” (he becomes your fiancé or husband), one fact that will never change regardless whatever does not, or does become of your future with that man is this one thing: he is a male-a man. 

Men are “visual” and the cruel + strange dichotomy of a man’s nature versus what nutures him is the difference in what his heart and mouth may say or feel versus what his actual (instinctual) male nature responds to (that keeps him attracted and interested). It’s something they can’t even articulate-it just happens. 

Let me break it to you like this. You know that whole “natural” lesson/ explanation I just gave you (about how I respect and channel my theories and suggestions to nature/physics?) The same is true about love and sex (two other things in life that are natural for us).  

When I write books about sex, I don’t just write the same sex instruction book warmed over, I give details, suggestions and positions on love making centered around true intimacy and reaching into the male and female instinct, and like adhering to/respecting nature and what’s natural you can’t be denied (but it won’t be).

Intimacy is a different kind of thing than “sex,” or “love.”

It stands alone. It stands alone in that it (intimacy) can exist in a sexual relationship and no love involved, as well, (and much better) it can survive a relationship of sex + love (that with-it creates a deeper bond than the average relationship). 

That’s one thing (above “love,” “sex,” and “intimacy”); they are three different things but do their own thing however, when intertwined; can bring about an altogether different (or better) thing/experience. 

Pay attention to how I explained that, because it will help me help you better understand what I am about to explain about the nature [versus what nutures] men.

Ok, so then there’s Intuition and Instinct. 

Instinct is nature.

Instinct is to animals what intuition is to humans.

We (human beings) have dominion over animals, so we have intuition (and instincts).

We (humans) can’t have conversation with animals, but animals can read our intuition (instincts) like we adapt to, read, and know their instincts. 

In your inquiry, you didn’t exactly give me details involving what about “you” he wants to change, so I am going to assume it (this change he wants you to do) would be in the image department (because you stated “I felt secure, sexy, and happy and desired”). 

If that is indeed it, I have a short answer for you: Don’t change that (for two reasons).

Firstly, because it all goes back to what YOU said: “How I look and what I do is not a game. It wasn’t a dress rehearsal or something I was doing just to meet a man, it’s a part of who I am whether he likes it or not” [and you felt] “secure, sexy, and happy and desired,”…that’s answering your own question along with sounding like (to me) you will be very unhappy. And too, what I can tell you for certain (as nature dictates) should you meet his [demands?] actually…the both of you are going to be unhappy. 

I’ll tell you why.

Like with most men (excluding circumstances where two people are in a situation where they got to know one another and a friendship then relationship transpired) when he first met you-how you “looked” is what first attracted him first. It’s no different than the saying that goes: “How you got him/what you did to get him is what you got to do/how you got to do it to keep him” (it’s a law of nature too by the way).

Don’t go against that-regardless whatever his heart or mouth may say.

What nurtures him and keeps him attracted and interested is an altogether different thing than what his mouth (and even his heart) might say. 

The problem with women electing to, or cooperating with being asked to go on the “big reveal” for their man is that it’s really “not natural” (no matter HOW unnatural the woman may be). 

KEEP IT HOW YOU KEPT IT WHEN HE MET YOU! (especially if how you look makes you feel sexy and beautiful). Don’t go under construction and on a complete image overhaul to feed into [although indeed may be something his heart and mouth wants] but INSTINCTIVELY…and in the land of what NUTURES and keeps him attracted; is something altogether different. You will lose. I promise you. 

As silly as it sounds, some men suggest this (these image overhauls) because they do not want their women to be as “attractive” to the world/a world of other men as she was when she first met him. If you (and he) are not Muslim, do not honor that for a man who claims to love you and was attracted to you one way when he first met you, and then all of a sudden wants you to change that, because in your case (again, I repeat) you already made it clear to me that [and I quote]:  “it’s not a game. It wasn’t a dress rehearsal or something I was doing just to meet a man, it’s a part of who I am whether he likes it or not” [unquote].

Tara.

I try and be as brief as I can be when replying to these inquiries, and in doing so; if I specify somewhere in the details of my work about whatever the inquiry was, I will reply and point you to link to read excerpts (or buy the book) to further get my elaboration.

I need to point you to that (excerpts)-and go there in a hurry.

As I write this very reply to you, I am writing a book about relationship (with men and friends), and too, it’s about life, sex, and love.

In this books excerpts on my site, run as fast as you can to Gem #19 Til’ Death Do You Part or Come Undone: Why Maintaining Your Mystery Will Forever Be Important. Immediately scroll right to the following excerpts that I lend with chapter subtitles called:

- THE PROGRAMMING MAKEUP OF A MAN

- IN THE INTEREST OF “INTEREST,” DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A MAN’S INTEREST IN YOU

- BACK TO A MAN’S “REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING”

…I promise you, everything that I explained in this inquiry + that will certainly help you. 

P.S. Like I stated earlier, you didn’t elaborate (in detail) “the changes” he wanted you to make but it was obvious that one of them had much ‘ado about how you look. But too, I saw where you stated: “…and that I was doing before and in the beginning when he met me.” I have no idea what those things are, but too, no matter what it is: if you went skating three times a week or danced the salsa on a boat on the weekends; if that was what you were doing when you first met him, while you were courting him, and (still doing?) while in the relationship with [this man who is not your fiancé or husband]; if how you look and what you do makes you happy, I suggest that you not change that. Sit down and have a talk with him and tell him just what you told me: “How I look and what I do is not a game. It wasn’t a dress rehearsal or something I was doing just to meet a man, it’s a part of who I am whether you like it or not.”  

Because I will tell you something, when it comes to a man (making changes and submitting certain kinds of ways to them), women have to VERY clear, crafty, skilled and in-tuned with the male mentality (see the Table of Content's chapter titles for Gem #’s 9-19).

A lot of times, women who have no brothers, weren’t raised around men, didn’t have strong male father presence in their lives, or women who don’t allow themselves ample amount of time to get to know the man their with; can find themselves in some very (emotional, mental, physical, or financial) compromising situations that could have very well been avoided had they allowed themselves a little more time to feel him out before allow him to feel her up (get inside of her body, mind, emotions and her life). 

Patience and impatience can be a vice or virtuous. 

Although the book is in progress, you’re lucky! On my site, I opened some links to excerpts that can be read that suit your personal situation. So make sure you read the links within this inquiry and stay tuned.And don’t forget to get the book, I promise you, it is strife-changing. Women (and men too) will thank me later.

For now however Tara, good luck and good love ♥

Thank you, 

Angela Sherice