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The evening of this August 12th day when I was in the room, she was already there. I could hardly tell what kind of mood she was in, but she didn’t want me there-at all, I knew that much. The talk of the room was about some legal troubles she was going through with her chef (who, much later-when it finally hit the public); I found out was suing both she and Rene. Gauging from watching their conversation, Rene had definitely called her. It seemed like she was happy that he called her (but you could tell that he didn’t give her too much rhythm). You could tell she was not too happy that he didn’t call her to reminisce or talk about old times (while talking about the sole reason why he called). It was like…you could tell that he played her “strictly business” like: “I’m only calling you because we both have a vested interest in this, so let’s sort this out, gather a plan and keep it movin.’ ”

In hindsight, I totally know how that went (it wouldn’t be until years later, that I would totally understand). You won’t feel this way until (years later) that you’ve had the pleasure, (and the displeasure) of knowing, having loved, and being the recipient of Janet’s love and countless pleasure principles. She’s the type of girl that no matter how fun, sexy, lovable, sweet, attentive, adoring, and ravishing in you she can be; once you get away from her-you will run…far-far away. And if you ever have to meet up with or run into her again (for whatever reason) you have to consciously keep a shield up to get through the business (not pleasure) at hand with her (in order to keep from getting caught back up into her clinches). Trust me, at this particular moment in time, it hadn’t been quite a year that I had been involved with her and wanted to run “far-far away” many times, so I know that he knew her moves and how to maneuver around her-considering the fact that it had thirteen for him.

It’s a shame that you have to do her like that because she is awesome to know and to love. And you know how to feel good with her (if she really wants you)-she’s a master at encompassing that. But despite her fun, sexiness, being lovable, her sweetness, her attentiveness, her adoration of you, and her being so ravishingly into you AND TOO, despite her money, her fame, her beauty or her good lovin’; her “bad” is twice as bad, no…three times as bad (like no one I ever knew). Her brand of “crazy” is not worth the roll in the hay or getting tangled up in a relationship with her. Tangles are all she really has to offer and she is her very own velvet rope. No matter how transparent or unraveled you are for her, she will tangle that, encompass her own tangled ways on top of it, and constantly give you tangles. She had no healthy, balanced or safe medium in which her “good” would bring you back to her, because her “bad” was tilted like the end results of the Titanic-that’s how strong her “bad” is…That’s the only thing that will make you run “far-far away” from her and I say that even more so now (on this very 2013 date).

She’s the type of girl that can do a number on you so badly that hearing her name could put you in a trance-like a hypnotic slumber where your chin falls to your chest and you’re knocked out having fallen asleep on queue. You’re tired out in the few seconds and four syllables it took to sound out her first + last name. Her “way” can be like fingers snapping, and she wants to be there with her fingers on the controls; being able to predict your every thought, action, reaction-at all times (by which too, she will be control of provoking-unnaturally). Every good and bad thing while dealing with her is controlled by her. That’s impossible-to have a need to do-yet, expect any normalcy (she does not understand that). But she has done it so long that there’s no way she can not do what she does-because that's how she is. That’s how she “loves.” It’s apart of her now just as sure as all ten of her fingers are apart of her hands. She has one literal hell of a unique personality like no one you’ve ever met. Her bad is the motherfucking Anti-Christ-like the devil’s seed, the apple in the Garden of Eden + the snake.

Yet her other face, the delicate one that she puts on for the public (the one that’s she’s painted for soooo long) can be compared to the “good” her. When you know Janet and are loved by Janet, on the outside looking in (to her other dealings with people) whether it’s a guy or girl who acts on that torch [that you will always have for her]…you (knowing her), you automatically know that she did not like that guy or girl very much (in that deep, intense, intimate way). Because if she does (or did) like them in that way; with that same torch, you know they would run “far-far away” from her to keep from getting caught back up into her clinches, because she’s hurtful and she can damage you, she’s damaged goods herself-eternally. Her “good” is a smooth sailing ride, and her fire for you can burn like forever while she shares and shares her good with you. BUT, when she’s “bad,” her fire can burn you alive and that smooth ride turns heavy, it tilts, and it will sink you like the Titanic. When you know her and she’s “loved” you (that oh-so damaging way which too, is the only way she knows), you really don’t give a damn who she’s with or loves after you, you’re just happy it’s not you anymore.

At the beginning of this whole situation-those infamous “first 13 pages,” (when Rene and Janet were still together and Janet was flirting and getting at me, but then spazzed out on me after learning that I met and talked to him), I was so naïve and green in understanding her, this, and it all. Then next thing you know, it hit the news that he was history in her life. Later, the real true proof of that being so came to me from Janet herself (and buddies). At first I said: “Please I know that little chance meeting of mine with him did not cause a thirteen-year relationship to breakup. My dealings with him weren’t even enough to be a straw in breaking a camel’s back.” But it wouldn’t be until years later of dealing with her myself, that Janet is so “too much” that all you need is that one out-way from her ass and you will gladly leave, you would gladly hit the door running “far-far” away from her. That’s what happened. It didn’t have anything to do with me (per se) but everything to do with her-how she’ll make you run “far-far away” from her. Any prop or convenience can serve as a catalyst or straw breaking a camel’s back, all you want to do is ride out on the back of that bitch; far-far away from her. And that’s what the hell he did. He sat back and watched all that shit we were doing and mapped his plan of escape, and just threw me in the bag (then under the bus).

One of the (typcial) things about two people in a normal functioning relationship (no matter how bad the breakup was), is that one or both persons get that luxury of their ex being jealous about who steps up to bat in their life next. Janet’s “bad” is so abnormally bad that regardless of her money, her fame, her beauty, her good lovin’,  her fun, her sexiness, her being lovable, her sweetness, her attentiveness, her adoration of you, and her being so ravishingly into her new love after you-you won’t even care.

From knowing her, you already know that no matter how much love, attention, cooperation, lovin,’ and adoration that person gives to her or what that new person’s attributes and qualities are, after a while; she won’t even recognize any of it. She’s a life-absorber. She will suck your life, your joy, your happiness, your love for her, your cooperation, and all your tries--right through a straw, ride you like a camel and break your back. All good things about you that made her love you, she (if she “loves” you) she will eventually overpower it, crush it, and ruin it and you with the strength of her bad to the point that you won’t give two shits who she’s with after you-as long as it aint you. I know her-how she is and how she moves. And I can only imagine that Rene (having known and been with her much longer) knows these same things about her tenfold. If I can conclude this never even so much as lived with her, not only could he second these emotions, I know the shit he could add to what I’ve experienced and concluded is probably minor (in comparison). She’s a hum fucking dinger.

Because of how she is, Janet did, and will continue to miss out on a lot in life, and a lot of things about love and being loved [well over the price she has to pay for being loved by a bunch of strangers for only being famous]. She will miss out on real love because of her fame and “good face.” Stranger love from merely seeing you on television and the stage is different; they don’t know you-so it’s not real love. As well, she will always miss out on real love in her personal life (during and post-love) because of how she is.

During love: You want to run “far-far away” from her. Her singing: “Run Away With Me My Love, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah,” for you, becomes more like: “Running away from you my love.” Her singing: “Let me take you on an escapade, let’s go!” will not be that joyful and whimsical. The only thing you’ll see in the word “Escapade” is “escape.”

Post-love: You consciously make an effort and block her “good face,” to avoid her smile and her sweetness (to avoid getting caught back up with her).

Janet didn’t with him-Rene, and won’t (with anyone else), ever get that luxury of that old flame bumping into her and those feelings popping up (whether acted on or merely talked about in friendly and sweet conversation). Her being a woman, that feeling and bricks built on a girl’s self-esteem in knowing that we can have our exes back with one phone call, or at bare minimum-make them smile and be happy for the day from just seeing or hearing from us is something she will never experience. And it’s all because of how she is. How she is will never change-she can’t be cured of herself, and Rene showed her proof of that when he called…

“Guess who called?” she asked. “...I’ll tell you later” she finished (before her buddy that she was talking to could ask: “who?”). She knew she had never not wanted me there, but this time she did not [want me there]. She wanted me gone but couldn’t figure out a way to say what she wanted to say to them really quick without my catching on (because she knew I would of course). And by the same token (considering how I was with her at this particular moment in time), she knew that asking me to leave would probably make me start playing passive-aggressive games with her during all the other times that she did want me there. In her mind, she knew that [this first and only time] making me leave would probably start making me purposely excuse myself mid-conversation with her (just to piss her off). We played tug of war power games like that and we knew just what to do to piss one another off. Just like we had the perfect formulas to arouse one another, as well; we knew just what to do and brew to piss one another off. We could be like two evil or good twins who had the same Wonder-Twin-like powers and could use them against one another at any time. I knew how she was and she knew how I was-simple and contrary as that.

She tried to talk around it as much as she could, but when it came to Rene, no matter how much she called herself loving me; she didn’t see me as that girl that she loved-she saw me as that bitch that met, talked to, and whatever else, with her man. She’s irrational like that and could give two shits that I knew or felt that from her (when it came to that damned Rene).

They were also subliminally talking about something legal that had to do with her sister-in-law whom she mentioned using initials “DRJ” or “DHJ” or something like that. While she kept trying to talk to them in codes, it was like she would stop and look at me with that one side-eye look you would give to somebody who should automatically excuse themselves from your presence. She was in some mood I couldn’t quite explain, but she wasn’t feeling me right now, I could certainly tell that much. But I wanted to make her say it.

She and her buddy tried to talk around me as best as they could, then she finally turned to me, rolled her eyes and said: “Alright Cinamon you’re dismissed,” making it clear that this time she really was dismissing me. She wanted me out of the room-stat! Never in the history of this thing had she ever told me to leave-ever, so I knew this was something serious (pertaining to her). “Ok then, TTYL.” I replied.

I walked out of the room looking pretty stupid while one of their silly asses posted the nickname: “UNINVITED.” They were so on-cue (and funny sometimes), I had to laugh at that one myself-the stupid look on my face was priceless.

When I came back in late that evening, someone came down under the nickname: “Landlord” and said: “Doesn’t somebody in here owe me money?” I took a deep sigh and rolled my eyes in my head-knowing all too well that a fight was about to start, because for me, that was a cheap (but true-to-life) real shot: True to my life at that very moment in time. That same day, they “overhead” my landlord put in a call to me “wondering when he was going to get his money” (that was now invested in a laptop computer that I had to buy so that when I began to delve into writing, hopefully, do it in some peace from them). I sat there fighting hard with myself-trying to figure out if I should just keep my mouth shut or if I should get it crackin’ and set it off up in there. You see…stuff like that would make me happy that she eventually got a chance to get a taste of what “overhearing” (things that wasn’t any of her business) was like.