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FEEL LIKE A LADY. DEAL LIKE A MAN: Tips & Secrets on Everything from: Self-Esteem, Friends, Love, Sex, and Men

4.

 To Thy Self Be True

In order to be true to yourself, you have to be clear on the difference in being “hard on yourself” versus “being true to yourself.”

Throughout this book, while writing it, I try to be very clear about differentiating the meanings of things, so that in an effort to identify a problem or issue, the solution will indeed appear-one by which, I totally leave it up to you to see or to hear. 

Like for example, as coping mechanisms, often times, we women will latch onto things to justify and use as excuses (from being unprepared to see things that we need to see in order to move past situations that we know in our hearts are just not that into us, or just aren’t working for us). Sort of like how when we are sometimes left “open” at a door that was clearly-absolutely-positively closed in our faces…to cope, we hang on to the excuse of “needing closure.” Or when we are afraid to (and would rather not be alone) we will settle-and justify it as “trying something different…” when it’s clearly something we would never even so much as entertain the thought of considering, otherwise. 

For a woman, I’ve found that really being true to yourself is like that light at the end of a tunnel that we actually have the option to bypass when we are most truthful to ourselves.

(Yes, although experience is indeed the best teacher), there are some lessons whose class we have the choice (in advance) not to show up to, too.

In order to maintain your joy, you have to be hard on yourself when being true to yourself. But don’t be hard on yourself about progress on yourself, due to impatience or dissatisfaction during progress or during a process of anything.

Being the Diamonds that we are, as women, our impatience and our unwillingness to endure is our enemy. We find ourselves caught up in the biggest situational blunders that we sometimes cringe at the thought of (once we’ve made our way through them) and dare not refer to them as lessons or anything that we want to give life to (no matter how far in the past they are and remain). 

In the game of relationship, staying true to yourself is the very best thing you can do for yourself. It will save you from countless EMOTIONAL, ROMANTIC, PERSONAL and SEXUAL situations that could have been prevented or dealt with head-on, before those oh-so undesirable outcomes that we have to live with, become unnecessary blemishes.  

One blunder that will forever perplex me is where seasoned and free-spirited Diamonds (who, from listening to, hearing about, or talking to) seem to have a firm grip on the things they will and will not settle for or accept in life and other personal matters yet, can confuse you like a big bump in the road as they begin to tell you a story (or two or three or four) about how they wound up in bed disappointed with the lad by which they lay. No…not disappointed about his sexual style and play, but instead, disappointed by the “pipe” with which he lay. 

For the love and sanity of men, thank goodness for the countless Diamonds who truly sex and subscribe to the quote: “It’s not the size of the boat but rather, the motion while in the ocean.” But for what I’m about to talk about…those gracious Diamonds are not the subject of this chapter tips’ segue. I’m talking about those Diamonds who are obsessively particular about the size of tool by which they will dine and grind (as a prerequisite). “Size queens” is what they are referred to. It’s dirty little talk and secrets that we women have amongst one another, by which-varying opinions can run amok. 

I chose to run by this particular subject as a segue into discussing how necessary it is for us to be true to ourselves because it is a perfect (and important) example in explaining how we end up in situations that could have been avoided when we do not stay true to (and stick to) our ideals about what we really want (and don’t want). 

“Size Queens” are very adamant about wanting a particular length and/or girth on a man. They aren’t as concerned about “the motion while in the ocean.” They pretty much feel that while in; it will all work with the length and/or the girth. But what confuses me most is (as particular as they are about their expectations) how they end up going all the way-only to find out it was a far cry from meeting their expectations… 

Sex is that beginning of things in a relationship that (after words), all can get weird or wonderful. Often times (when we have no expectations), we go at it on pleasure and faith. And whatever becomes of it-we take it (or deal with it) from there. 

The “Size Queen” is not granted this excuse as easily. Because (as it goes back to this chapter tips’ lesson/title: “To Thy Self Be True”)…and well…to thy self be true why don’t you?).  

When you expect a certain thing-don’t play around and stir the pot in hopes of finding what you are looking for to be there. When you expect something, simply stick your finger in it and taste it. If the ingredient you’re looking for is missing, wash your hands and keep it moving. As we’ll uncover in detail in Gem #7 “Dealing with Love and Life By Decision and Design,” you will see that as women-having a plan, and sticking to an ideal about what we want (and don’t want) in our lives is invaluable. It works miracles in our social and personal lives. We suffer the consequences when we settle, retract, or demand a recount.   

The one thing about making a decision to stick to what we want (and don’t want), is that as it becomes more natural and comfortable to you, you will find that you are going to have to say (and do) some very bold things in order to undo (and prevent) some things. While they may not come as a shock to you, it will to other people (who do not understand, or could probably care less about your interest in self-preservation). 

Where sex is concerned, the lips that we place upon the lips and body of a man are the same lips that we use to kiss the child[ren] that we have, or will bear. The vagina that we allow him to enter is the very same vagina by which the child[ren] we have or will bare is designed to come out of. 

When it comes to having an expectation or ideal regarding anything, our true test of how we will be able to control, and exercise self-control in other areas of our life, and our love life can too, be found-right there (in the middle of that test)…

So, if you are a “Size Queen” with that certain expectation, in the middle of the heat of the moment, you have to be crafty enough to develop a technique during kissing, and petting by which whatever it is you are looking for can be anchored at the palm of your hand without ever having to dip in your ocean.

Crafty (in a moment like that) is taking control of, and knowing that simply because you are in a literal compromising position…that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to compromise. An expectation of a $20.00 cover to enter a venue is a $20.00 (expected) pay amount that you have to hand over in order to enter the venue (I don’t care how many ways you want to word it). As well, a “Size Queen” (with an expected length or girth requirement) should be able to control a man entering her “venue,” too. There should be no such thing as V.I.P treatment.

To know what it is you adamantly expect…no man should get past your hand (even in that heat of the moment of a compromising position).

Do you get my point-where I’m going with this?

The point is, look at that as an example (of what you will better understand in the Gem #7 “Dealing with Love and Life By Decision and Design,” chapter tip)-that is: when we have a plan or ideal about what we want for ourselves as women, nothing and no one should cross those boundaries. And as well, we have to remain firm to that (to avoid those unnecessary blunders and regrets that I spoke about at the beginning of the chapter). 

Now granted, in an example like that-we are human. Our bodies get aroused and feel some awesome sensations when kissing, necking and petting. Still, if you have an ideal, and that ideal is not meeting your expectations, you have to think on your feet so that you won’t find yourself on your back (having known way in advance it wasn’t what you wanted in the first place). 

An example of what I am saying about “thinking on your feet” in a situation like that is as follows, you can do one or two things (without giving him head or having actual intercourse with him, while at the same time, continue to pleasure him and yourself-if you are that aroused).  

If you aren’t as aroused by him in the heat of your moment as you would like to be, consider the fact that he is a man, and as a token of your thanks but no thanks, masturbate him while continuing to neck and kiss with him (to bring him to orgasm).

If you are aroused and want to be pleasured as well, then straddle him or allow him to stand with his back against the wall or hard surface while his (protected) penis is in your hand; masturbate him while masturbating your clitoris (with his penis) without inserting it inside of you. 

Having met your expectations (or not), simply because you are aroused, anything past:  kissing, necking, and petting still, does not have to happen.

There’s no harm-no foul in the entire moment (either way).

As a single woman dating or going steady with a man, there are countless ways that you can pleasure one another without actually having sex. (As I am writing this book, throughout various chapter tips, I will help you out with some of those ways).

When you are in control of yourself and your desires, all other blunders and regrets that you endure will be things that won’t exactly make you cringe and kick yourself for having allow happen-but instead, you’ll pat yourself on the back. You’ll be able to smile and look yourself in the mirror for being a woman in control of, and true to herself about what her ideals and expectations are (in her love life).

You will find yourself making important decisions like that in other areas outside of sexual intimacy (in your daily life). You will find that sticking to and staying true to your ideals and expectations about your life and love life will save you a whole lot of unnecessary heartache, drama, and pain in the end. 

WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN AND DATING-MEN REMAIN TRUE (TO THEMSELVES) WHILE IN THE GAME

Ask a woman what she wants out of, or from a man (who she settles down with) and she’ll pretty much say the same thing that we typically say: “as long as he treats me right and comes home at night…” …Anything else outside of that is usually sub categories of the same. Generally speaking, (typically) we women keep it basic when we are asked what is it we want from a man.

Ask a man what he wants out of, or from a woman (who he settles down with) and he’ll (typically) say what all men say: “as long as she’s not all out there ‘like that’…sleeping around with everybody, she looks decent, and can cook-I’m cool with that.”

The difference between what we (typically) say and what he (typically) says, is that while we both mean what we said, men have more…they just keep it to themselves.

I mentioned in the Introduction that men are complex-simple.

And throughout several chapter tips about men in this book, you will have so many lap-slapping moments that I am sure you already knew, but you just didn’t think about it this way: As much as men dislike being boggled down with the details that we women insist on and offer in conversation and in other areas; when men are asked the same question that I proposed about what he wants out of/from a woman, he knows what he wants from her from her head to her feet, inside and out. He knows how he wants her to talk, how he wants her to walk, how we wants her to do, be, think and say any and everything.

In their heads, men are very detailed about a woman’s “details…” Correction: In their heads, men are very detailed about THE woman (who he settles down with) and what he wants from, and of her.

It goes back to what I stated in the beginning of the Introduction (that as a woman-you cannot deny):

Men SEEK.

Women SETTLE.

Men seek to exhale.

Women wait to exhale.

Let me give you a better visual of the about-faces that men do. And although I hate to use this as an example (because it is so typical), I have to use it because it’ll also help you understand the chapter tip and Gem #12 “For His Sake (Then Yours) Why You Should Not Get into Relationship with a Broke Man.”

In the Introduction, I made mention that a man can and will survive a relationship with a woman for years. Well, a man isn’t his “full self” until he is able to provide for himself (first) and then you. If ever you take up relationship with a man who cannot provide for him self (first) and then you-you are playing at your own risk.

The best visual I can give you is if a man suddenly “goes pro.” It’s best to use that as an example than to use an example of a man suddenly getting a “high-powered” job, because you (typically) don’t just “get a high-powered job” overnight. It’s usually a process (as a result from education, experience or climbing a ladder of some kind).

And although “going pro” is a process nonetheless, (as a result of physical practice and being in an educational setting), it is still a kind of “overnight success” (once chosen).

A stark-raving “overnight success” and even subtle, small, average, or significant financial changes in a man’s life will bring out the truth in his choices in relationship. That doesn’t necessarily mean he is going to run out and grab the woman that he already conjured up in his head. Quite frankly, he may go and get three of them-and relationship with all three. The point is…it’s not so much about the “woman in his head” or any financial change. The point is that a man’s “truth” in his choices in relationship (and the core of his true person) is on the table when he is able to PROVIDE FOR HIMSELF (first), and able to PROVIDE FOR A WOMAN, too. (Regardless if the financial change was a stark-raving “overnight success,” subtle in change, a small change, average in change, or a significant change).

As I mentioned in the Introduction, men are natural survivors in the game of how to deal with women while seeking (to exhale)…

Women are true to themselves when they say what they want and expect from a man, BUT will settle for all a man’s shortcomings (if she likes him enough). 

Settling is to know and have an ideal about what you want, and because you don’t get it-you accept what is available to you rather than to do without. When you “settle” you throw all your expectations, hopes, ideals, and preferences out the window and work with what’s available ‘til death will you part.

Men do not do that. Men do what’s called: survive (not settle).

Surviving is not the same as Settling.

A man will survive not getting what he wants from a woman (expectations, hopes, ideals, and preferences) even when he is broke. Broke or not, men have an ideal of how they want to relationship, and (in every detail) with whom and what type of woman they prefer to relationship with. If a woman fits that bill while he has nothing, all will be well and good (that’s very common you know?).

But…

THE CLUE TO KNOWING IF HE IS TRUE WITH YOU WHILE HE IS WITH YOU IS IF HE IS “BUILDING” WITH YOU, meaning…together, you two are contributing to the upkeep of the household and/or one another, the finances, and everything else that brings you both comfort, and makes you guys’ house a home (50-50).

On the backhand side:

THE CLUE TO KNOW IF HE IS NOT TRUE WITH YOU (OR THAT HE IS SIMPLY SURVIVING) WHILE HE IS WITH YOU IS IF HE IS NOT BUILDING WITH YOU, meaning…you are the only contributor to the upkeep of the household and to him, your finances, and everything else that still happens to bring you both comfort, and makes your house a home-his home, too: (0-100).

In my personal opinion, Teddy Pendergrass sang it best: "…said not 70-30. Not 60-40. I’m talkin’bout a 50-50 love. It’s so good, loving somebody when somebody loves you back. It’s so good, needing somebody when somebody needs you back!” 

I agree with him. The 50-50 percent is just my opinion however. The makeup and dynamic of your relationship and/or household could vary. But consider all aforementioned as your “warning” and know this: 

Whether he’s broke or doing well, when a man is serious about a woman, he will do what he has to do to provide 100% but will break his back trying 50% (if that’s all he can do for the time). CONTRIBUTING, PROVIDING and BUILDING is a man’s own personal test of his manhood and way of “submitting” to the woman that he is sure he loves, wants, and wants to be with.

While he is broke/has nothing, if a woman that he is with does not fit the bill (of details in his head), he will indeed survive that relationship to secure his mental, and/or physical, and/or financial needs, but the moment he is able to provide for himself (not so much as for another woman, too), he will leave that woman that he survived that relationship with. (That too, is very common). 

Think long and hard.

You’ve heard of those kinds of relationships (both kinds).

Well, everything that I just wrote about is the “goings on” behind it all and the “male thinking” (behind it all). If a woman is ever unsure of the reason why a man would up and leave [what she thought was] a relationship, now you know the reason. 

Any rate, with all that being explained-Diamond…To Thy Self, Be True.

Just like at the beginning of this chapter tip, we talked about how a “Size Queen” (who’s adamant about what girth and width she has to have) yet, will end up having gone all the way before finding out it wasn’t what she was looking for. When, if she took her sex life as serious as sex is, his penis shouldn’t have gotten past her hand.

In your love life, you have to learn to deal a little bit how men deal (with regard to refusing to settle).

I’m gonna say it again:

MEN DO NOT SETTLE! THEY SURVIVE WHILE SEEKING TO EXHALE.

If all three of those things are true, (to save yourself the drama, hurt and pain) you are better off being alone with you...

If you have low self-esteem, why would you expect a man to esteem you and hold you in high regard?

If you lack the patience to permit your own true happiness, what would make you think some man can and should come to do it (simply because he was available and you settled for him so that you could have a man?)

If you are afraid to be alone by yourself, then why or how could you be good company for someone else to want to be with?

As a single woman, you’ve got to be on top of your game and on top of your SELF out here-trying to play at love’s gambling table with men. Keep reading this book, you’ll learn…

ANYTHING LONG-LASTING AND SIGNIFICANT HAS TO WITHSTAND A PROCESS

Men seem to win while we women tend to whine.

Men were socialized at very early ages to suppress tears and emotions, whereas coming from women, it’s accepted. As a result of that, men have had many years of practice on how to survive in the game of love…suppressing or altogether neglecting emotions that are much needed ingredients in (true) love.

Healthy self-esteem and confidence isn’t something that can change overnight. As well, making the decision to be conscious of the decision to stay true to yourself about what your expectations, hopes, ideals, and preferences are in what you want out of sex, love, and life takes practice too-every step of the way.

As a woman, you are not as equipped with the same emotional armor that men have buttoned up and worn since the beginning of his time. As a result of that, women are more likely to submit and settle. But now that you are aware of how men can (and will) survive, you have the power to decide if you will allow a man to survive with you, or exhale with you…and be as true to you as he is true to himself.

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