“For Rem, it was perfect (a little out of order according to plans) but the plans could still happen (by his watch). He could still hold down the Fort. I would only be set-back for about year, no-how-no-way, by my watch (and experience).

From the dark and into the light: 40 watts, 60 watts, 80 watts, 100 watts; my light was completely turned on and I refused to flicker with any possibilities, plans and mixed emotions.
I had to tell that man I could not keep the baby.
That made the next couple weeks of our life was pretty hectic and all we did was fight. Little did he know, our fights were nothing compared to the fights we would have had into the months of my growing more and more pregnant. Nothing he could say could convince me that we could go on “as planned” with just a little bit of a setback-then back on track.
Experience taught me that when a baby comes-there is no such thing as “back on track,” between two people “with a plan.”
No amount of truly-madly-deeply could sustain that-regardless whether the baby was seen as a blessing or a burden; the burden is still one in the same, even if it was seen as a blessing. If anything, only the actions of two responsible people doing “what was best” would be the only thread holding the relationship together and I don’t want to live like that. I certainly as hell don’t want to love like that and refused to have love: like that.
In this big picture in my mind, all he could do (while being off-track) was resent me later and work his ass off trying to provide for me, this child, BabyMama and the one he already had. From my mind’s eye view, that’s probably just what happened with the two of them…
Bonjour: Me.
Au revoir: BabyMama.

“First comes: love, then comes marriage-then comes Mama with the Baby carriage.”

Whether it was in order and as planned, or out of order and unplanned; in the bigger scheme of things (where the relationship is concerned) even after “love” and “marriage,” love, passion and desire can survive. But somewhere between the “then comes Mama with the Baby carriage,” something in a man goes “off-track.” Even if not the relationship, or not so much as the woman-but rather how he sees her-in spite of his caliber or character.

Men are hunters and she looks more like the bleeder and breeder more than she does that prey he hunted for that brought on the love and the marriage. The desire, that spark is not the same-no matter how much that man loves her-no matter how much he loves having a family and having children. That’s merely our nature: man and woman-animal too…
With a man, it’s something about a whole other woman (even if she has a house full of babies that aren’t his)…it’s something that looks different and desirable in his eyes about her to him, that’s changes for the woman that breeds his own. It’s an odd thing-just something I observed countless times and experienced one time, too many.
Bonjour: Me.
Au revoir: BabyMama.

Little did he even consider, he wanted a woman who was apart of a team (with him), not a stay-at-home mom. His “plans” had no room for a child just yet.

I observed and came to the decision that after the love and the marriage, should Mama and the Baby carriage occur; the emotional connection turns into a mental connection. (They go from being in love to being decision makers). The spiritual connection turns into a physical connection. (They go from making love to satisfying one another’s physiological need). The “love” becomes some unwritten contract and agreement: to be responsible parents. And any desire, passion and sparks that could be mustered from that turnip…consider it a bonus. Because it is possible, however, I hadn’t the will to withstand the “possibility” of it all.
So, he could be mad all he wanted to, for all I cared, but he would thank me later. Maybe perhaps still love me later. ‘Cause perhaps by later; I would be ready to meet him where he already was at. But I sure as hell could not beat him there or meet him there with-child. I couldn’t see that. I couldn’t live that. Not right now.
He was very hurt about my deciding so quickly. He felt like all the answers that I didn’t give him the first night we consummated the relationship, he certainly got when conception occurred-because now, we were at an intersection.
He was secretly mad at me and thought that his being demonstratively upset with me would be enough to make me change my mind. Not even the fact that I was with a man that was truly-madly-deeply-in love with me, wanted to marry me, treated me well and cherished me-was a perfect enough reason. I had been-there-felt that, been-there-done that too; the whole sha-bang. I couldn’t get tricked into: “A Wonderful Fucked Up Life: Part Two.”
Though I truly-madly-deeply loved Rem, I was not ready for the responsibilities as mapped out by him without a baby, so, I sure as hell could not see doing it with one. So, I panicked: 100 watts, 80 watts, 60 watts, 40 watts, 0 watts.
I knew that acting on that decision would draw a total wedge in my relationship with him forever, yet forever never got a chance to happen, because a short time after, he was taken from me by a strange twist of fate-forever.”